The Big Whinger 2009

Talk about mind block

2009-10-24T12:44:00.001+01:00

Don’t you just hate it when you wake up with a horrid reminder that there is an empty bottle of wine lurking around somewhere.
Oh and a huge phonebill yet to come.
What a shitty, shitty place and time. I just can’t break free from the chains that I’m in. All I want is escapism, even if that means a bottle of cheap shoddy pino!

It’s the impatience that I can’t stand. I want everything to happen yesterday. Even a minute, maybe a second kills me. The thing is. I have noticed it isn’t just me. It’s nearly every other person around me. I hate England. It’s all about rush, rush, rush, money, money, money, put myself first. There is just too much mind block around. Too much pressure and it doesn’t leave any space to breathe or take the world in. It gets worse every year and it is really starting to depress me. Look it has made me turn to alcohol for release 

Such a huge part of me wants to break free. But break free from what? I guess I’ll spend the rest of my life asking myself that question. I seem to have blown all logic out of proportion. But it’s nothing new on my part. I could have so much security in my life. I could be practical. But I don’t want practicality. I just want to be me and being me doesn’t come close to being practical. So I am stuck in this stupid rut rabbiting on and on.

I spend too much of my time these days caught up in awkward weird moments with uncomfortable settings. Is it just me? Or is just the fact that I am so super sensitive to the whole entire world that the tiniest bit of chemistry is enough for me and I can’t deal with it. I want to run for the door. My mind runs riot I can’t even find the breaks. I am ignorant. I am blue, lost without a clue.
All of my life I wanted nothing but to be able to get my point across, to be able to express my needs and desires.

I know I am an artist, I know I have the ability but that date is screaming at me in my head (8 November) and I am freaking out. Yes my singing performance that I seem to have attached so many hopes to.
It’s odd because I am quietly cool underneath my skin, I’m not really expecting much out of it. All I want to do is make sure that my right leg doesn’t frantically shake like it always does when I sing. I just want to look professional in what I do for a change, rather than feeling like I should pretend to be someone else.
Why can’t I just be me? Why do I worry so much about what people expect? Who gives a fuck! I am so sick rules and regulations , restrictions.
I guess it’s true. It’s confirmed. I am almost definitely from Uranus. I live a very uranian life. I wish people would just get that!

I can't believe it

2009-08-30T16:16:00.005+01:00

I absolutely can’t believe what has happened to my life. At the moment my dreams seem too big and the chances seem so small but there is something within in me that just wants it all!

Last Saturday I got through to the regional finals for Open Mic UK. I will be singing in front of 2,000 people on 8th November and at the same time being judged. All I can do is try my best.

I had a tarot card reading not so long ago. I pulled out the world card. It represented my longing, my desire to find my place in the world.
That I really did “want it all” . Not in a greedy sense, but I guess I have always known that I am worth so much more than what I let on. But that is something that remains in the back of my subconscious somewhere. I am not driven musically by ego, I am driven by my determination to succeed, and to speak to the world. Within that comes healing. Music does heal our souls.
My ascendant (Gemini ruled by Mercury) is starting to show proof that I really am all about communication. Not in an obvious way. It’s my calling to speak to others through my lyrics, through my music. I guess I am a bit crazy, I am a bit weird. I have this sudden awakening in life. I really found myself spiritually and musically. Music is my only dream. But there is something about music that is just so incredibly heavenly and spiritual. Music speaks to us, it lets us know. It can send messages and turn things around so unexpectedly.

My website is now finished: Psyche26

This story reminds me of my current journey:

The Fool wakes at dawn from his long, restless night to find that the wild river has, at last, come to an end, quietly floating him into a serene pool. There is a walled garden around this pond dominated by roses, lilies and splendid, nodding sunflowers. Stepping ashore, he watches the Sun rise overhead, bright and golden. The day is clear. A child's laughter attracts his attention and he sees a little boy ride a small white pony into the garden.
"Come!" says the little boy, leaping off the horse and running up to him. "Come see!" And the child proceeds to take the Fool's hand and enthusiastically point out all manner of things, the busy insects in the grass, the seeds and petals on the sunflowers, the way the light sparkles on the pond. He asks questions of the Fool, simple but profound ones, like "Why is the sky blue?" He sings songs, and plays games with the Fool.
At one point the Fool stops, blinking up at the Sun so large and golden overhead, and he finds himself smiling, wider and brighter than he has in a very long time. Since he started on this spiritual journey, he has been tested and tried, confused and scared, dismayed and amazed. But this is the first time that he has been simply and purely happy. His mind feels illuminated, his soul light and bright as a sunbeam. Like the great Sun itself, this child with his simple questions, games and songs, has helped the Fool see the world and himself anew, to wonder at and appreciate both. "Who are you?" the Fool asks the child at last. The child smiles at this and seems to shine. And then he grows brighter and brighter until he turns into pure sunlight. "I'm You," the boy's voice says throughout the garden, "The new you." And as the words fill the Fool with warmth and energy, he comes to realize that this garden, the sun above, the child, all exist within him. He has just met his own inner light.

This is something I wrote recently:

Anonymous

Sometimes nothing goes our way
Sometimes we think about everything but there is nothing left to say
Sometimes I wish I could tell the world what I feel
But there are too many judgmental people
And nothing seems real

Sometimes I feel I am a genius
Sometimes I think I am not
Most of the time I feel indifferent
Most of the time I feel like me

What’s up with that?
What’s up with these idiots?
Their all too practical
Feelings are subsequent
Slightly irrational

Doesn’t do an awful lot of good
When you’ve been so misunderstood
All I can think about is wine
And my mission to find the divine

Sometimes I ask for a breakthrough with my gracious heavy eyes
Sometimes I don’t see the point
Sometimes it’s all just lies

Therefore I will remain anonymous
I will remain a saint
And earthly miracle with pictures to paint
I’ll become so much more like me, that everybody will see the reason for the beyond
The reason for the sea
The depths within the ocean are just a trace of my emotion
You won’t keep up with me
Because whatever I’ll be, I’ll be

I’m no casual person
My thought process just worsens
I get tied up in knots
It’s loosened vanity, it costs

What if the world went bust?
What if love turned to lust?
What if people weren’t really stupid
And what if I could dance with cupid?

When you hold on to something so tightly and it’s all too much to bare
You wonder what happened to Jesus
You wonder who really cares

If I am an original then what does that make you?
If I am so innocent
Then why does green seem like blue?
And why I am always at the back of the queue
Sobbing my heart out through and through

I am a true romantic, I am not a logical thinker
I’m forever caught up, hook, line and stinker
As I play with the runes and roll out the dices
I find infinity and tortured vices
My component is my glory
I am bigger enough to tell the story
If only you’d pull the trigger, we’d work out a figure
Congeal the face, find tact within space
If only I was that little bit taller, I’d feel the world getting smaller

Let Mars be my energy and Uranus be my freedom
Lets us think about churches, apple trees and mediums
Let us reach highs and let us reach lows
Let us find balance and bend down and touch our toes

Let philosophy shine through
Treat it as an art
Don’t let bitterness keep us apart
Let the wind blow hard and let the memories discard
For one day, I’ll be famous
And I’ll surround myself with flowers, I’ll remove obstacles and superficial powers
I’ll ground myself for once
I’ll simply pray
I’ll simply listen
I’ll be the leader, I’ll be the player
I’ll find crystals and glisten

And if those people still don’t understand
Then they can just bugger off because it’s I who’s in hand
It’s I who will stand
It’s I who formed the accomplishment and the band
It’s not detrimental
It’s got star dust, it’s got potential

You tube

2009-08-08T22:02:00.001+01:00

VERY basic but here is the youtube Link for my song (Psyche26) It's not my fault

UPDATE PEOPLE!

2009-07-23T19:53:00.003+01:00

Just a quick update. It’s been so long since I have written anything on here.
God knows why. I think it’s merely because I have been so wrapped up in other things such as my music.

Music is going really well. I can’t believe how far I have come now. It just seems a shame that it doesn’t get out there more. I feel quite wasted but it is really hard when you only work alongside a guitarist. My guitarist is excellent but he is more a songwriter than a guitarist and technically speaking what we really need is a band to support the material that we seem to write so incredibly well. I have a talent contest coming up on 22nd August and I have found a band to cooperate with, which is super fantastic.

Such a huge relief to let my inner frustrations out. All that tension and anger. People question my motives because I am so extreme with things and out of the blue but I can’t help but be out of the blue. I can’t help it, it is just so typically me and I love it. I can assure however, that there is a love song on the way. The “lighter side of Lindsay” finally emerges. Scary! I guess the real beauty of music comes from so deeply within it can be hard for other people to interpret what you mean exactly. Music really is a blessing and I feel privileged to be gifted with such an ability that enables me to communicate with the world. Not only that but I also have the inner knowing that it can reach other people on so many different levels and perhaps give them the reassurance that “actually it’s ok to feel like a freak and write things without giving a shit about what other people think” HA HA!.

They need that. Let’s face it, people are stupid, people are sheep and way too frightened to stand up for what they actually believe in. Why feel ashamed? I thought I did until I found ways of expressing what I truly meant. People come into our lives for a reason and we have to follow this through. Not everyone can think on such a deep level, I guess this is something I am gifted with. It has it’s up and downs but musically it works incredibly well.

The musical link between my guitarist and I is simply amazing and I also believe it to be fairly spiritual. It has painted such a huge picture around my life. It has represented who I am and given me the power to actually stand up and fight for what I believe in. This can be anything from the past to the present but it’s only within the last two years that I have begun to realise that an artist is not just someone that paints. The definition of an artist is someone that illustrates to other people exactly how they feel whether that be through music, writing or painting, the art within that story is in fact a beauty. Not only that but through art there is such a vast amount that you can pick up on from that person. The mood, the atmosphere, the feelings and emotions of that person. If it is not clear then you must paint it, you must write about it, you can even sing it! Surely that is the meaning of art? These things in life never cease to amaze me. So many people walk around misunderstood, yet as a gift they get given a talent, an art to express the way you feel.

The guitarist and I work well. He just seems to get my aggression and over-dramatisation of emotions. I guess if you are both fairly eccentric people then it’s obviously going to work. It is immensely frustrating that I can't play guitar. I am actually saving up money to buy a keyboard to help me put more music to my lyrics. It’s no good when all you have is words and a Dictaphone to hum your tunes in to. OK it works but it’s not good enough! “Catch me if you can” was written from my silly humming’s and also “what I think I need to know”. Bastard was an interesting story. My guitarist found an awesome chord pattern completely out of the blue (like he always does) and I suddenly found this outstanding melody by singing over the top of it. It was one of those moments where we both just looked at each other and were like “WOW this works”. I will never forget the song bastard. My most emotional song. When I look back I realise it was over such a stupid experience that isn’t even worth mentioning on this blog. But at the time my heart was broken and my rational mind was proof of just how much of nothing can be taken to such extremes and created into a beautiful song. “My quote “Through music we can turn some of the ugliest situations around into absolute beauty”.

My dad in particular hates Bastard and for very personal reasons I understand why. Sure it is not everyone’s’ cup of tea but in a perfect world everyone would be able to familiarise themselves with the dramatic emotions that us humans seem to come up with. And if it wasn’t for drama, nothing would be exciting anyway. Music is such a healing process. I can’t express that enough. C’mon, where would we be without music?....................really? It speaks to the soul and the soul craves it.

I still believe there is a huge amount of work to be done with my music. I am a different person on stage. But that person needs encouraging and also a great deal of development. Time doesn’t last forever and I am indeed starting to become impatient
I have my music on I tunes now. The album: “Can turn violent” It only has five tracks on there. The rest can be found on www.reverbnation.com/psyche26. I am working on a myspace page at present!

Please feel free to listen to my music. I am always interested to hear what other people think. Good or bad!

NEW SONG!

2008-11-05T11:04:00.004Z

To whoever reads this:

Please feel free to check out my new song (Psyche 26)
My guitarist was excellent! I wrote the lyrics and got the melody and he did the rest of the music.... The song is called "What I need to know". It's about people (annoying parents) Or whoever! Just people telling me what I already think I need to know! It was all put together in the studio as normal.

Hope you like it!

Emotional trauma - (like fever)

2008-10-14T19:19:00.001+01:00

I guess everyone goes through some kind of emotional trauma at some stage in their lives.

It’s only through experience that we are able to illustrate such amazing pictures. In fact , every time I get hit by trauma I know there is a higher reason as to why I am suffering.

When I think about my life and the experiences I have gained, good or bad I can only fit it into a logical sequence – it is indeed a realisation. If we didn’t go through these things we simply wouldn’t be able to say “I understand”. It enables us to have empathy towards others.

I think of emotional trauma like flu or fever. When we suffer physically, we feel down and deluded and all we feel is mist, murk and grey clouds. I guess it is a bit like being on a plane when you are travelling through the clouds (you can’t see where you are going but you know you will come out of it eventually). Like the moon card in a tarot pack.

Suddenly you come out of your fever, or the clouds you have been travelling through come to an end. The sun begins to rise. There is a feeling of clarity and relief. Things may still seem confusing, but that tiny bit of direction enables the soul to feel clearer. Like blocked sinuses – eventually they go.

You don’t want to fall back down and in reality you know you cant anyway - so keep going!

The time period in life is something unjustified and no one will ever know.

MY SONGS

2008-10-12T14:34:00.001+01:00

MY SINGING!

2008-10-12T14:16:00.002+01:00

I don't know if ANYONE out there still checks out my blog but if you do follow this link:

http://www.reverbnation.com/psyche26

These are the two songs I have written recently. I performed both of them in the studio! The vocals are me! Yes it is me singing!

The single life is good

2008-06-25T17:43:00.001+01:00

I never thought I would end up single. It all started with a psychic reading. It confirmed to me exactly how I felt. Sometimes you need something like that in life to wake you up!

It was something that was waiting to happen – “crying out” if you like. I had become so tired and drained within the relationship. I had passion running through my veins day in and day out but I just couldn’t express it to my partner at the time.

Why?

Because I was kidding myself. He wasn’t the one for me. And I felt that it was one of those moments in life where it was either now or never. I had pushed it to the back of my head for so long , but after I had done it, I truly felt a weight lifted from my shoulders.

Within all honesty – we were just two very different people. I was always wanting to do more with my life and I was never going to be able to do that all the time he was in it.

I do feel that I was holding him back as well.

I have had to adjust to a completely new lifestyle where I CAN do things by myself. Like drive to places alone, pay my own bills etc. I was way too reliant on him and that is no good for anyone.

Since I split up with him the real me is breaking free and I feel as if I am on a new spiritual journey with a brand new mindset.

Of course there are downers.

No money
Still live with parents
No one to whinge at
Sexually frustrated (but I am waiting until I find the right guy)

That’s it really. I don’t regret the relationship at all. I feel we helped each other out a lot.

But now I have a deeper understanding of what I really want from my next relationship.

I have discovered that life is a bit of a spring clean sometimes. You have to go through hard times to appreciate who you are and what exactly it is you want – even if things do seem unfair – there is always a reason.

SINGLE

2008-06-24T18:32:00.001+01:00

I have now been single for three months! I feel great but frustrated!!!

Son of a bitch

2008-05-02T16:02:00.001+01:00

All lyrics on this blog are copyright to Miss Lindsay Ullmann

Son of a bitch

Every now and then it’s just good to know who I am
I get fed up with the door slamming
People cramming my space
Son of a bitches that are so two faced

Are you even aware that you breathe?
It’s a waste of oxygen
A waste of need

And do you know, do you know just how low you can go?
You’re such a waste of space
So two faced

Something inside your head’s been misplaced
And I know you’re torn apart, but it wouldn’t have happened if you’d had a heart

Every now and then it’s just so good to know who I am because I can see you’re such a jealous son of a bitch
Vindictive, with a nasty itch
You can’t quite take the pitch because you’re forever caught up in the stitch!
Weak son of a bitch, where the hell did you come from?

Whether it right or wrong you won’t be here for very long
Because you’re gutless, you can’t keep it up
You’re all about bad luck

It's just my past

2008-04-11T12:05:00.000+01:00

I take a look in the mirror and cast a side my thoughts
I recall a memory, something I was taught
It’s nothing to be afraid of, it’s just my past

I’m black and blue, living without a clue
I don’t know where I am going and I don’t care where I have been
Set me aside for now but I’ll always win

You can laugh out loud at the jokes
You can make all the promises but I’ll still be there
This body can take a lot , your not holding me down I already made the plot

It’s nothing to be afraid of, it’s just my past
And I’m lying here black and blue
I’m a traveller through and through

I’ll dance in the rain until you feel my pain
I’ll knock down the doors
Gate crash all of your flaws

It’s nothing to be afraid of, it’s just my past

One step behind

2008-04-11T12:04:00.000+01:00

I’m still one step behind; it’s still my soul I long to find

I’ll walk through the gaps and remember how you helped me, you saved me,
I still miss you.

Wearing thin and hollow inside, but remember it’s because of you I have this much pride.

You perfected my picture on a sunny day.
We stayed up till midnight and prayed, even though you didn’t want to, you didn’t care, in some way I still hope you’re there
It was me, it was you, and now we walk free
Whatever’s meant to be will be

It is that pure, it is that simple
Although it’s hard to let go, I know it’s right and thank you for making me who I am
I know you’re still with me; it’s a one on one connection
Never to be replaced
We are still together, just not in the way you think

I’m still one step behind; it’s still my soul I long to find
It’s a learning curve, which at the moment, I don’t deserve

Bring back the old times (Let go of the new)

2007-11-22T18:18:00.000Z

Hey I use to know a place that felt lively

A place that was full on beat where I’d lose myself and get all tangled up in the heat

I was a frequent follower,

I was the life and soul

People knew me and we partied hard

But now there is no freedom, I just can’t do what I want

Just a cold empty feeling and a few empty bars

So please bring back the old times

And let go of the new

When I was in my peak

And everyone thought I was a freak

I’m reeling and I’m ready

Watch this space I’m steady

Bring it on again

Let’s party, party, party, party………………………………….

Yeah bring back the old times

Where we’d drink beer all night and dance in the rain

I’d even take my shoes off to let go of my pain

Let’s feel it once again and take a trip down memory lane

Bring back the old times

And let go of the new

When I was in my peak

And everyone thought I was a freak

I’m reeling and I’m ready

Watch this space I’m steady

Bring it on again

Let’s party, party, party, party………………………………….

Sudden awareness

2007-11-12T17:44:00.000Z

Is there a stage in life every humans’ life where they develop a sudden sprout of self awareness?

Three years ago I had my tarot read by a spiritual medium who pulled out a card that led towards my future. This was the awareness card. At the time I really didn’t get what it meant. But he explained that I was suddenly going to become very aware of who I was.

The past 2 years have been an incredible journey for me physically and spiritually. I nearly feel like a fully grown woman! It is as if my soul is leading me somewhere misunderstood but at the same time I am connecting with it and it’s such an amazing feeling.

I feel overwhelmed by my inner most secretive feelings. I feel out of control but aware of who I am at the same time. I am understanding the self and not putting it down.

I feel powerful, soulful, alive, and passionate.

All this sexual power I seem to hold as a woman. I don’t know what to do with it but I love it.

I just don't understand the soul I have been given?

2007-11-06T20:09:00.000Z

The move

2007-10-29T20:19:00.000Z

So the move is finally happening and I’m really excited. 8th November is completion day.

Only one problem…. My dad……….
Or so it would seem.

I think maybe it’s just me. I hate the fact that my dad appears like my sub conscious thoughts. “Soon you’ll be an old married woman” “Does BF want kids?”.

“Oh shut up” No ! He doesn’t want kids and neither do I !”

He knows I don’t want to get married, it’s not me. But the parents were giving the guilt trip trying to dig their way into the back of my mind where they KNOW my doubts lie.

“You do know you’ll have to do washing, ironing, bla bla, of course that will turn you into a house wife”. Half/Laugh joking.

I don’t know why they do it?

Maybe it’s because they know how much I resent being a house wife and how I know I WILL never let it happen. Dad was trying to crack jokes about kids. I firmly told him to lay off – “You know I don’t want them at least until I am in mid 30s”.

“Hey I don’t care if you have them, no pressure from me”. I told him I never want them and he said that I might change my mind. But I told him I wouldn’t. He said “just think you wouldn’t be here if we hadn’t have had kids. “Yeah, yeah whatever!”

I do have a good relationship with BF and we know where we stand. Us moving in is independence and finally a chance to go ahead with our own lives. Why doesn’t dad get it? We don’t have to be married?
I mean there are things I will miss and then things I won’t miss. For example I won’t miss the smell of my Dh’s manky bedroom every time I walk past his door to get into my room. Or I won’t miss hearing his poxy car turn up in the drive way knowing full well I am in for another evening of his stupid decks. I won’t miss the pettiness within the family, and the secrecy. My mum’s biased ways towards my brother. My mum’s whinging about my shoes in the doorway. Or the fact I can’t just chill out with wine at home or do ANYTHING without 1 million questions.

I will miss the ability to stretch my feet around the big house, the big garden, seeing my baby cat pebbles and holding her in my arms. I will miss my clean ironing on my chair when I return home on a Sunday afternoon. I will miss not having to worry about the cost of electricity, water, food. Having the general luxury of parents buying everything for you. Open fire places. Laughing at the neighbours. My bedroom and the cosy way I have set it all out…. I’m not looking forward to slowly unravelling my little gold mine 

But I guess life is all about change. And even if what I am doing right now is a mistake, there is only one way I can ever find out.

I am soo excited about all this but scared. Yesterday we were buying furniture and decoration for the new house and in my head it couldn’t happen quick enough but then I come back down to the reality of my decision and it’s all complicated again.

One of the hardest things to do in life is leaving your childhood behind, not for everyone but certainly for some. A part of my life has been sheltered and when I look back over certain periods of my life I can see I was overprotected. I fear that dad will collapse again in the middle of the night and I won’t be there. I do worry about what might happen if anything awful ever happens, of course it’s a worry – why wouldn’t it be?

Dad seems to have such odd ways of dealing with things. He has not even mentioned the move to me really other than making silly sly comments I don’t understand.

I looked in the mirror yesterday and realised that I am exactly 50% mother 50% father.(as split in personality). But then I freaked myself out as I saw more of my dad staring back at me than my mum. I thought what a strange feeling? That person that’s created me is here right now! It’s so odd knowing that one day dad won’t be here anymore, but such a huge part of him will still be wondering the earth – me. I guess that is the beauty in having children?

Four things to be happy about!

2007-10-25T16:54:00.000+01:00

I am going to record this on my blog because I always seem to lose scrappy bits of paper.

1. So firstly, I went to have my yearly analysis done at the gym today. Basically you have to step onto these weird magical scales and it sends some kind of electronic vibe up through your body and calculates your metabolic rate, hydration levels, body fat etc.

The instructor said my reading was really good, although I am not entirely sure what it all means but this is the gist of it:

Height – 5ft 4

Weight 7 stone 10

Body fat 20.9% – (Normal body fat for women ranges between - 21-33%)

Hydration level – 54.6% (45-60%)

Visceral fat (fat around the middle of the body) Mine = 1.

Normal body fat for women ranges between 1 – 12. So basically I have no fat. Woo hoo!

Physique rating – I fell under Number 8 – which means “muscular thin”.
The instructor basically explained that some girls are just “thin” but because I have built up muscle the machine can sense through muscle gained.

Bone mass – 4.4 (4.3) – not to sure what this means?

Kals used per day – 1219 – that’s all I need! But the instructor said I prob use more than that because I am eating and burning.

Metabolic rate – 12 years old. This is basically how quickly my metabolism works – so at the moment it’s very quick.

Wow I was impressed! But can totally see why gym is addictive – makes you want to keep going to stay in such good shape. I wouldn’t ask for anything more from my body.

2. I put some posters up in local clinics about a journalism project I want to start – thanks to some advice from someone else it has really got me thinking – so thank you friend  . I feel like I can start to get my arse into gear.

3. My parents have booked me into a recording studio for my birthday so I can get some songs recorded and I am sooo excited I just can’t wait! They heard my voice on a CD a few weeks ago and said it was good, which I wasn’t expecting!

I have picked a few songs I might sing which I feel does my voice justice. These are:

1 – Never ever – all saints
2- Turn back time – Aqua
3- Mr President – Pink
4- Who knew – Pink
5- Your so vain – Carly Simon

So I will see how I feel on the day!!

4. My new CD arrived today, one I have been waiting for, for ages! Music Lyrics with Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore! The soundtrack is ace. Such a good film.

Silly obsession

2007-10-21T13:20:00.000+01:00

After waking up feeling disgusting from a little too much alcohol and a blurry head I race to the gym to burn it off ASAP.

Yuk! I feel bloated and disgusting and basically full of crap. Nothing like sweating it out.

So I meet with the normal crowd in the gym “the Sunday crowd”. There is a gay guy with muscles bigger than my bum, another guy that loves himself, a really fat woman that gives me evils and a pretty girl with a gorgeous figure.

I don’t know why I care about such minor things. I don’t mean to but I always think to myself – why is she here? She doesn’t need to be. Ok so the fat woman on the treadmill next to me is probably thinking the same thing about me, but no matter how hard I work out at the gym, the following day I just think “ I need to get to the gym quick before my fat builds up”.

Crazy but all I can think of is burning away unwanted cals. Another odd thought is that I wouldn’t actually want to be anyone else other than myself. Sure you see perfect women with no ripples or cellulite but I do actually like my body I just have an obsession with keeping it in shape. It’s taken a long time to build up muscle tone and I am proud of it.

How do you actually know when you are obsessed? What is a healthy balance? And what happens to your body if you miss a day? Where does all the excess go? Does it just build up?

I read an article yesterday about a woman that used the gym 3 times a week. She went on holiday for three weeks and by the time she had come back she said all the muscle tone had gone in her arms. I just feel put of by the idea of going on holiday now.

It’s so sad I know but I can’t help it.

It's not just me

2007-10-16T20:08:00.000+01:00

READ THE POST BELOW to understand what I am on about (the one about tragic 27)....

Research from Wikipedia...

Well-known musicians who died at 27

Some lists include other musicians who died at age 27. Cobain biographer Charles R. Cross writes, "The number of musicians who passed away at 27 is truly remarkable by any standard. Though humans die regularly at all ages, there is a statistical spike for musicians who die at 27."[3]
Name ↓ Date of death ↓ Cause of death ↓ Fame ↓
Louis Chauvin March 26, 1908 Syphilis. Ragtime musician.
Robert Johnson August 16, 1938 Unknown, but typically credited to pneumonia following strychnine poisoning. Possibly shot. Bluesman. Most notable for influencing Jimi Hendrix, Keith Richards, and Eric Clapton
Jesse Belvin February 6, 1960 Car accident. R&B singer and songwriter
Johnny Kidd October 7, 1966 Motor car accident. Singer-songwriter and front man of Johnny Kidd and the Pirates.
Alan "Blind Owl" Wilson September 3, 1970 Barbiturate overdose, possible suicide. Leader, singer and primary composer of Canned Heat.
Les Harvey May 2, 1972 Electrocuted by a microphone. Guitarist of Stone the Crows.
Ron "Pigpen" McKernan March 3, 1973 Gastrointestinal hemorrhage associated with alcoholism. Founding member of the Grateful Dead.
Dave Alexander February 10, 1975 Pneumonia. Bassist for The Stooges.
Peter Ham April 24, 1975 Suicide by hanging. Keyboardist/Guitarist, leader of Badfinger.
Gary Thain December 8, 1975 Drug overdose. Former bassist of Uriah Heep.
Chris Bell December 27, 1978 Car accident; ran into a telephone pole. Singer-songwriter and guitarist of power pop band Big Star and solo.
D. Boon December 22, 1985 Broken neck due to not wearing a seat belt in a car accident. Guitarist, lead singer of punk band the Minutemen.
Pete de Freitas June 14, 1989 Motorcycle accident on his way back from filming a music video Drummer for Echo & the Bunnymen.
Mia Zapata July 7, 1993 Murdered. Lead singer of The Gits.
Kristen Pfaff c. June 16, 1994 Heroin overdose. Bass guitarist for Hole.
Jeremy Ward c. May 25, 2003 Heroin overdose. The Mars Volta and De Facto sound manipulator.

Tragic 27

2007-10-16T18:55:00.000+01:00

I’ve always had a funny instinct about the age 27. I don’t know why but it just feels like a funny age for me. I have nearly 2 years to go yet but I’m terrified to the extent that I can’t sleep at night sometimes.

27 is cursed! To prove it, look at my image - all those famous celebs are now dead! At the ripe old age of 27! What's going on?

Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison (the Doors), Kurt Cobain (Nirvana), Jimi Hendrix - All dead by 27!!

The singer, Pink said she would be dead by 27, people around my local area have also died at 27. Is it just me being paranoid or is 27 a tragic age?

Ever since I was about 19 the age 27 has scared me. Why? It’s such a random age, it’s not like 30? Ok it’s near to thirty but there are still two years left after that.

Why am I freaking out? I get worried something awful might happen.

I just have to ask – is there anyone else out there that freaked themselves out about a certain age in life? And if so how did you feel after reaching that age?

Can I have my money please?

2007-10-11T20:05:00.000+01:00

So how the hell do you ask “politely” for money that is quite rightly owed to you?

About a month ago I was asked to go to London on an exhibition for work. To be honest I didn’t really want to go at the time but I went because I was told “I will GET PAID.

After the show the boss said “is it ok if I sort the money I owe you next week”? I was like “yes of course that is fine”.

Anyway I went in to work the next week and no money. I received my pay cheque as normal but the money for the exhibition wasn’t included so I asked when I would be getting it and she said “next week”.

I thought fair enough and just kinda got on with it.

Anyway it’s been nearly a month now and they STILL haven’t paid me. I have brought it up subtly four times and still nothing. I asked the beginning of this week and she said “Oh yes John was going to write you a cheque, don’t worry though you’ll get it”.

It’s so hard trying to pluck the courage up for situations like this I was just relieved with myself that I asked for a final fourth time and thought “right I must be getting paid soon”.

But guess what? It’s the end of the week now and still sweet F.A.

I just feel like they are taking the piss out of me.

What do I do? And why are they being so odd about paying me? As much as it is my right to keep asking for the money why is it do damn hard bringing it up? Like nearly every week?

Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is weird!

2007-10-09T20:34:00.000+01:00

I have been a member of face book for about 6 months. Within that time I have received various messages from people who I don’t know. God knows how they got my information but I have ignored it.

However the information below stuck out and I need help!

Who believes in religion? Fate? Destiny? Why did this guy contact me? Is he odd? Is he just some freak? Or did God come to me through him??? (as he says)

I don’t know. But this conversation is pretty deep and long. So please guys only IF you have the patience and time to read this please do and let me know what you think. It is quite fascinating and I would be very interested to hear your thoughts.

(PS the name Lara is me – but obviously I have changed my name for obvious reasons!!!)

Here we go: (This is how the conversation started)

First messaged from weird guy:

1 Corinthians 2:9-16 (New Century Version)
New Century Version (NCV)

The Holy Bible, New Century Version®. Copyright © 2005 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.
[Thomas Nelson, Inc.]

9 But as it is written in the Scriptures:
"No one has ever seen this,
and no one has ever heard about it.
No one has ever imagined
what God has prepared for those who love him." — Isaiah 64:4

10 But God has shown us these things through the Spirit.

The Spirit searches out all things, even the deep secrets of God.11 Who knows the thoughts that another person has? Only a person's spirit that lives within him knows his thoughts. It is the same with God. No one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.12 Now we did not receive the spirit of the world, but we received the Spirit that is from God so that we can know all that God has given us.13 And we speak about these things, not with words taught us by human wisdom but with words taught us by the Spirit. And so we explain spiritual truths to spiritual people.14 A person who does not have the Spirit does not accept the truths that come from the Spirit of God. That person thinks they are foolish and cannot understand them, because they can only be judged to be true by the Spirit.15 The spiritual person is able to judge all things, but no one can judge him. The Scripture says:
16 "Who has known the mind of the Lord?
Who has been able to teach him?" — Isaiah 40:13
But we have the mind of Christ.

Lara
5:30pm October 7th
Why have you sent me this?

Paul Laverty
6:26pm October 7th
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The same reason God sent His Son to tell you that you were created for HIS PLEASURE and He is crazy about you. That all your life you have been lied to and like every one else you are seeking the truth and the truth is in a man called Jesus who lived here on earth 2000yrs ago so that you could have eternal life not another religion but a relationship and because I know the person who created you and this is not just for you but all the Laras of this world. With out Jesus you are only living a second hand life you were created for the best you are His master piece you are only fooling yourself if you think you can through this life on your on strength. Sorry if this offends you but I some how think your smart enough not to take it personal but maybe this is a life interrupted moment. to finish on this note your picture doesn't do you justice if you saw yourself how God sees you you wouldn't need Lara. The words I sent you or Gods word not mine your beef is with Him I am only the messager. from a friend who cares.

Lara
7:35pm October 7th
How did you find me? I like the name Lara because it suits my image. I don't really care what you think about my image. I was given my body to model it how I like. The human body is an AMAZING creation so why be afraid of it? NO my real name is not LARA - I used it merely as a joke, i was actually taking the mick out of myself.

I believe in God but I DO NOT belive in a GOD who asks people like you to preach to others. That is unfair. We are all human and we were given minds of OUR OWN for a reason i.e: to make our OWN decisions in life.

I know where I stand with God thank you. My religion is purely spiritual, I believe in the life after death. If you can't accept that then move on please. And on one other note - if I want your opinion in the future I will ask for it!

Paul Laverty
8:59pm October 7th
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Hint taken i will move on Jesus said preach the good news he said it not me so blame Him. By the way I leave you with this challege ask Him to show himself to you and if He does I promise you one thing you will never be the same. We will meet again I can promise you that and I hope to see you in Heaven. Jesus said he didnt come for good people he came for sinners so that means bad news for good people they wont make it on their on merit. Well Lara Iam gone nice chatting with you thanks for your time next time I will wait for your opinion. bye

Lara
9:26pm October 7th
Wait a minute... Are we not all sinners? You probably do something sinful everyday of your life. NO human is perfect and we were not created to be perfect. I believe life on earth is for learning.

Can I ask you one thing? What fulfillment do you get out of preaching to people you don't even know? I have had many spiritual encounters and they are personal to me and I have met with the lord above, he has helped me. You have no right to judge or diss me just because you don't identify with my belief system. My beliefs are my beliefs and that is that. They do not matter to you or anyone else for that matter.

Why don’t you get on with your life instead of critising everyone else’s? Is your life really that dull that you have to pick holes in people you don’t know? What an earth makes you think you have that right?

Faith is pure. It's what keeps us going in life. And everyone has there own source of faith – DO NOT disrespect that. Did you know that what you are doing right now is in fact a SIN? Ever taken a look at your self and realized that you are full of arrogance and immaturity - because you have an inability to see things from other peoples' perspectives? Like it says in the bible (which I assume you read) "Who are you to judge God's servants".

If you are looking for a fight - you picked on the wrong person.

Paul Laverty
2:13pm October 8th
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What then is a sinner and why do we sin. You are right that no one is perfect only human being ever to achieve that was Jesus.In the begining God created man perfect so we were created to be perfect but read the story for yourself and see were it went wrong. Now to obtain that perfection once again is the reason God sent His Son the first Adam messed it up Jesus known as the second Adam got it right. Read Romans 5:12-20 for yourself. So the problem is that we were born in Adam who invited sin into a perfect world we need to be born a second time not my words Jesus said this gospel of John chapter 3. So we need to move from one to the other perfect life is only gotten by been in Jesus. It is a matter of asking Him to come into our lives and cleaning us from all sin and making us a new creation. That is faith to trust Him for it is only through faith in Him can we make it in this life and the next. You are right about life after death but there are two deaths man faces one in the physcial the other the soul. The human body is dying because of that sin in the garden but after the body dies the other death man faces is a dark angel who takes the souls of men to a place called hell. read it in the bible the book of Revelation chapter 29:11-15. But those who know Jesus as their personal Savoir the angel of death will pass over them. You say you believe in God well then you should be familar with His word the bible if you read again the verses I sent you you will see the only way to read and understand that it is Gods word. Also no one ever chooses God He does the calling He reveals Himself a thief would never look for a police man just as a sinner would never look for God. Unless the thief repents he will never hand himself in or give up his life of crime so it is with a sinner. Sin is what man does when he disobeys God. Well Lara I like your fighting spirit God could use people like you in His Kingdom here on earth my fight is not with you or any human being I told you the people of Jesus are fighting the unseen force that has people in a prison of fear the bible tells us the whole world is a prisoner to Satan to do his will. Jesus came to set us free but this has to be our choice His desire is for man to be truly free form the power of sin, which by the way sin is also a supernatural power that has man under its power it is an Entity again you need to study the bible it has all the truth man needs. Please forgive me if it sounds I am judging you I am not Jesus didn't come to judge He came to save. Let the bible be your judge measure your life against it. your friend not your foe. You are judging me and you don't even know me check my facebook ask my friends they will tell you who and what I am. As for my life being dull you are wrong in fact i am to busy for that even to take out time to write to you is time consuming. I write to many people because I am a caring person not to get from them but to give I have all I need in my Savior and more.

Paul Laverty
2:16pm October 8th
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Today at 3:13pm
What then is a sinner and why do we sin. You are right that no one is perfect only human being ever to achieve that was Jesus.In the begining God created man perfect so we were created to be perfect but read the story for yourself and see were it went wrong. Now to obtain that perfection once again is the reason God sent His Son the first Adam messed it up Jesus known as the second Adam got it right. Read Romans 5:12-20 for yourself. So the problem is that we were born in Adam who invited sin into a perfect world we need to be born a second time not my words Jesus said this gospel of John chapter 3. So we need to move from one to the other perfect life is only gotten by been in Jesus. It is a matter of asking Him to come into our lives and cleaning us from all sin and making us a new creation. That is faith to trust Him for it is only through faith in Him can we make it in this life and the next. You are right about life after death but there are two deaths man faces one in the physcial the other the soul. The human body is dying because of that sin in the garden but after the body dies the other death man faces is a dark angel who takes the souls of men to a place called hell. read it in the bible the book of Revelation chapter 29:11-15. But those who know Jesus as their personal Savoir the angel of death will pass over them. You say you believe in God well then you should be familar with His word the bible if you read again the verses I sent you you will see the only way to read and understand that it is Gods word. Also no one ever chooses God He does the calling He reveals Himself a thief would never look for a police man just as a sinner would never look for God. Unless the thief repents he will never hand himself in or give up his life of crime so it is with a sinner. Sin is what man does when he disobeys God. Well Lara I like your fighting spirit God could use people like you in His Kingdom here on earth my fight is not with you or any human being I told you the people of Jesus are fighting the unseen force that has people in a prison of fear the bible tells us the whole world is a prisoner to Satan to do his will. Jesus came to set us free but this has to be our choice His desire is for man to be truly free form the power of sin, which by the way sin is also a supernatural power that has man under its power it is an Entity again you need to study the bible it has all the truth man needs. Please forgive me if it sounds I am judging you I am not Jesus didn't come to judge He came to save. Let the bible be your judge measure your life against it. your friend not your foe. You are judging me and you don't even know me check my facebook ask my friends they will tell you who and what I am. As for my life being dull you are wrong in fact i am to busy for that even to take out time to write to you is time consuming. I write to many people because I am a caring person not to get from them but to give I have all I need in my Savior and more.

Lara
5:48pm October 8th
I appreciate what you are saying. But what I do feel is wrong is the way you are preaching to me.

And I ask again, why me? Where did you find my details and also what makes you think I wanted to hear this? I am not one to deny that I am fascinated by the world and the reasons as to why we may be here and my soul will forever be searching but that doesn’t mean I’m going to turn to religion. Religion creates problems, I believe in being at peace with yourself and being honest. There are just too many things I believe in I’m afraid. I am very open minded and also very strong minded so you will never turn me to religion – I have my own ideas and my own thoughts in life and I am perfectly happy with that.

As for the bible – I see this as nothing but historical documents that have been passed on over time. I have faith in the spirit world and in God. But I do not believe for one minute that there is a God out there who says ". You must do everything I tell you too or you are going to hell".
What God would do that and why? My faith has been up and down forever and I continue to walk the earth asking lots of questions but they will never get answered no matter what faith I am in because life is not about gaining answers, it's a test in my opinion and there are just way too many things in the world that do not add up in my head for me to make any kind of sacrifice towards God. Like I said I believe in the life after death and I believe we can communicate with the dead. I also believe in an almighty force - now I don't know what that force is but what I do know is that it’s pretty amazing and as humans we have a lot to learn as there is just way too much we take for granted.

Physical world = learning
Spiritual world = realisation

Now I must apologise for assuming your life may be dull but I find it a little odd – you picking random people from facebook and preaching. It angered me and I didn’t agree with it, therefore I reacted.

Now answer this question.

Why are the rich becoming richer and the poor becoming poorer?

Why do pointless celebrities get paid ridiculous amounts of money for doing nothing when there are children dying in Africa of AIDS and hunger.

What exactly is God’s plan here?

Finally, you might not agree with what I’m saying and that’s fine! But don’t try and bend me into believing anything different because I won’t. Just like I don’t try and twist your beliefs.

Paul Laverty
7:44pm October 8th
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Hi again Lara i guess you misunderstood me if you back up on the first email i sent you I mentioned that Jesus didn't come to bring another religion.If you take the time to read the New Testament and the life of Jesus you will see He was against the religous leaders. If you take the time to read the gospel of Matthew chapter 5,6,7 here he teaches about the Kingdom values and you will find the questions to your answers unless of course you are afraid you may be challenged by them. Here He showshowhe lived His life on earth. The Kingdom of Heaven that he talks about cannot be entered by religion it is by faith through rebirth in a spiritual way. If you read again the verses i sent you and read them not through angry eyes but take a cup of coffee put on some nice relaxing music and slowly read them. I was brought up in a Religious home and found out the hard way religion doesnt work so I creid out to God if you are real show yourself He did and he touched my heart like nothing or no one has ever done. I surrender my life to Him because His love is like no other. Jesus taught his followers to deny themselves He spoke out against the rich because they only abused the wealth that God had given them. Each one has to examine their own lives it is easy to look to others and as you said judge them but what are you as an Individual doing to make a difference how much time and resources do you give to help those that are poor and dying of aids. How often do you ask some one how they are feeling and walk on even if they say ok but inside they really want some one to take time to listen to them and I mean really listen to them. To show love to others no matter who they are or what they have done to you or to others. Does your love come with hidden agendas can you love with an unconditional love no matter even if they gossip, betray you, hurt you, make fun of you etc. This kind of love is not humanly possible it takes a supernatural love to live like that. When God lives in you then through Him it is possible. About picking you at random in facebook that was not my intention you are the only person I have connected with this way. I came upon you through a bible verse some one sent to me i clicked on the wrong subject and came into this site and saw the different views that people were giving about God. I was about to past it by when something inside me told me send these verses to this person I knew that the good Lord had put it on my heart to do so. I really don't want to be on the other end to some one who is angry with me without even knowing me. Jesus sure has a big interest in you as for me Lara I have no desire to harm you or hurt you in any way I am only obeying the prompting of the Holy Spirit that lives in me. In of myself I have no wish to do this I have nothing to gain from it i see you as i see all Gods creation that you are made in His image and that means I care about all humanity. If you read about Jesus you will see that not every one accepted His teachings the cost was to high but He loved them anyway. Well my friend if i dare call you this keep that fighting spirit keep searching you will find the answers if you seek Him with all of your heart not 99% but 100% He will show up in a way you least expected. I do appreciate you taking the time to answer me back you have my deepest respect you are indeed a remarkable woman and I can see why God would what to use you for His glory. Stay blessed.

Lara
8:04pm October 8th
Well that's very touching - thank you.

It's odd how you found me in such a way. I do believe some things happen for a reason but I don't give in easy.

I do have a lot of passion in life and I believe I am on a spiritual journey at the moment.

I'm 25 and due to turn 26 soon which I am totally freaking out about. I hate the way time goes so quickly. All I want to do is make the most out of my life but it is not always easy as I am sure you know.

Thank you for your messages.

It's good to know that you stand in such a solid place in life with radiance and positivity.

I wish you well in the future.

Paul Laverty
Today at 3:09pm
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Lara how are you, please forgive my manners I forgot to ask you are you well and how is your day when starting my last emails.. For now i will have to leave our discussions. I am away from home and received some sad news. A good friend of mine who was like a sister to me and only married two years to my other good friend has taken her life. I knew that she was going through hard times and that I would be home soon to walk her through them. My pain is more than I can handle, so for now I will retreat. If after my time of grieving you are happy for me to continue were we left of let me know and if not you will not be forgotten because Lara you are too hard to forget. I will hold you close to my heart through prayer. Life gets sweeter with age if you know whose hands your future is in and if Jesus is the anchor of your soul. God bless you Lara and know that you are loved. p.s. i will renew the image on my facebook

Lara
Today at 5:10pm
Hello there

I am very sad to hear that.

I hope time heals you quickly.

Take care.
Lara

Facebook is amazing!

2007-10-07T14:52:00.000+01:00

I love it. It's free and it's a great way to keep in touch with both old and new friends. Also a great way to track down long, lost people. I love this network and for some reason it is very addictive indeed!

It has everything - photos/games/messaging the lot! And also cool tests like these which are really accurate.

I am the:

Philosopher

To be or not to be? You are a philosopher, a thinker of deep thoughts. Your ability to see things from more than one perspective allows you to live a life rich in meaning. Bored by the mundane, you ask all the big questions and use your logical abilities to keep one step ahead of the world.

Meaningless sexy egg and soldier flirting

2007-10-03T20:21:00.000+01:00

OK if you’re frightened of Porn talk look away now!!!!!!!

More importantly if you have a fear of eggs look away!

My friend and I have this weird obsession with eggs. We are both female and both straight but just find it hilarious to “egg flirt”.

Don’t ask why, we just do. I think it stems from the fact we use to know someone called Bertie and my friend made this joke about the fact that he might be called “Egg bert”. We were young and we laughed and laughed until our sides split. And then she mentioned this dream she had about little eggs chasing her through the woods and we have never forgotten it – even in out 20’s we still laugh about it and now it has turned into “dirty egg talk”.

So every now and then we go crazy about eggs.

You might think I have lost it but we talk about the egginess that surrounds are daily lives. EG – if there is an egg boiling we laugh about how it might explode and erupt into egginess…..

It’s immature but for some bizarre reason sends us into hysterics.

Sometimes we even “egg flirt”

It’s completely harmless but quite funny.

She sent me a message the other day:

Eggy friend: “how are you my eggy friend? I have been thinking about your shiny shell and how much I want to crack it”.

Me :” I know all I can think about is the egginess it’s driving me insane. I want to play egg and spoon but there is no one up for it”.

Eggy friend: “ I am up for it, two shiny shells are ready to be cracked I think. I have been waiting for the soldiers, I just need to egg them on it a bit and I’m sure they will be willing”.

Me: Good, I’m quivering in my little shell thinking about all the soldiers that are after me and how their going to dip themselves into my yolk. I feel so creamy when I think about it and about how long I have been waiting for you to crack me with your spoon… Oooh the egginess is erupting inside me, I might just explode into tiny little eggy pieces….

Eggy friend: God you’re making me want to spread your egginess all over my spoon and lick it off.

50/50?

2007-09-30T12:36:00.001+01:00

I was in a little world of my own the other day after a few glasses of wine. And I started to think about men and what the big attraction is with “bad boys”.

Anything that is a teeny bit off the rails is such a turn on but way?

According to one of my friends women go through a strange hormonal cycle where they want to explore their sexuality and therefore crave something that is completely separate from the norm. And then there is the maternal cycle where they would rather stay safe and prefer something that is within the comfort zone.

I can identify with both of these but how do you know when something is for real? Even if you’re with the right person you still tend to have fantasies or even doubts. The mind begins to wonder and you ask yourself what else is out there?

The truth of course is that the grass is never greener. And even if it were it would eventually fade and demolish into dirt.

I was chatting to my girlfriend the other day. She is 100% crazy in love with her boyfriend. They are still at that stage where the passion hasn’t run dry and it’s all exciting and new.

She told me that everything in their relationship is 50/50. She doesn’t something for him he doesn’t something for her and so on.

That’s when it occurred to me why some relationships last and others don’t. And also why some people get bored very quickly.

Example:

If a female is dating a man who is 30% giving and she is 80% giving she is going to try her hardest to hold on to the relationship as long as she possibly can because he wont give much to her and it will bug her. She will enjoy the challenge and it’s hard work but its fun. He will enjoy the fact that she does EVERYTHING for her but treat her like scum. And girls seem to like this?

It’s the uncertainty that keeps the relationship burning. So it’s all very interesting. What is even more interesting is if you have a couple that don’t give to each other at all. Like 30/30 both ways – they will constantly argue and bicker because neither will give due to vindictive stubbornness. But relationships like this are often passionate.

The question is I guess – how do you overcome these little dilemmas in life? How do you keep things burning? The more dominant one will always win.

Which one are you most likely to be? The giver or the taker?

Things to do before the BIG 30

2007-09-27T21:42:00.000+01:00

Why is it whenever you are really worried about something or doubting something in life something jumps up and hits you in the face as if it's some sort of hidden meaning or message from the above?

I'm starting to worry about time getting the better of me. I'm thinking I'm nearly 26 and what have I done?

I want to be more carefree rather than settled down. So what do I see when signing into hotmail??

This link thingstodobefore30

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! What do I do? Seriously.

Morning diary

2007-09-24T23:12:00.001+01:00

I read psychologies magazine. It’s like the only magazine I find interesting. Anyway it had an article in not so long ago.

Basically the idea was to just write down how you are feeling first thing in the morning even if it sounds silly. It’s called a “morning diary”. It’s a good way of releasing trapped thoughts and thoughts you didn’t know you had.

I can’t believe people
I can’t believe my random thoughts
I don’t understand how I feel so close to so many people and yet so far away from them at the same time?

I also don’t understand why I am so misunderstood.
The things I think about sometimes scare me. I kid myself into thinking I’m on the right path in life when really I know I’m not. I’m lost. I have done better than my enemy, far better. Continue to put me down you wanker, but what do you have, really?

I hold my head down in shame as I think about my regrets. Why did I tell that cow such misused information? Did I really believe the messenger wouldn’t get shot? You stupid moo! What were you thinking? Someone Pleeeeeeeeeeease take my phone off my when I’m drunk it will save me from cringing in the morning.

Out of all the arseholes in the world I admit he isn’t a nice person sometimes. But I did love him as my friend back then and it’s still ruined, and I still haven’t forgiven myself.

And I keep going down the same road, searching for the same signs, in the back of my mind it’s all wrong.

“Let go of who you are” I whisper the idea to the self, only that idea, it frequently fails and here I am yet again standing on the very path I was six years ago.

I thought I would have fun and that I would mingle in with a crowd and find happiness.

Maybe I was never meant to find true happiness? Life isn’t made for being happy is it? It really is that simple. Life is a game, indeed a cruel game for some. I don’t know what God intended and I have turned to him many times but he doesn’t get it. So now I just curse and I swear, and I blame. Now he just hates me.

I’ve got it coming when I die, he’s not sending me to heaven.

Am I really that bad? I’m not always nice to people yer know, I’m rude, aggressive, impatient and pessimistic and I blame others for my own stupid weaknesses.

I’m aware of it. I don’t hide it. I would like to overcome it because I know I’m better than that and I know it’s something that’s just inbred from the family.

Sometimes I think I’m just lazy. But then am I just using lazy as an excuse for uninspired? Lost? In need of help? I have always felt inadequate. Mum, dad did you treat me differently from the rest? How come they have confidence and I don’t?

Why am I nicer than them and less self involved? Doesn’t take a genius to work that one out. You don’t help your son you just make him worse.

Last week I reversed into his car because he parked it in the middle of the driveway and my trainers were wet and they slipped of the breaks. I felt awful but it was one of those things called an ACCIDENT. His car wasn’t even damaged but my break light was smashed in and I paid for it. Ok I was having a bad week, everyone has them don’t they?

What the hell makes him think I need to get my insurance company involved? It doesn’t help Mother! You calling me up and telling me that I need to get my insurance details sorted out so my wanker of a brother can have his own way. This isn’t about handling the situation fairly this is about him wanting to make me pay. Because he is spiteful, petty and ridiculous. You know I have an excess of £150.00 for my insurance so there is no way I can pay. Yet what does he do? Go to the nearest Citroen garage and get a quote for a new bumper that is going to cost £200.00. HOW? There was barely a scratch there. Then dad calls me up to tell me I have been a “silly girl”???? Oh fuck off the lot of you! I hope one day you get it.

My mum is such a bitch. I love her yes. But Jesus she is sooooooooo biased when it comes to something called DH.

I should read more. I don’t have an excuse! Why is hard to pick up a book and stay stuck in it? A magazine?

I got sick of reading theories by Freud at college they never made any sense to me. He hated his dad and wanted to fuck his mum. They say all psychologists are mad but isn’t that just sick?

I read your mail again the other day, it angered me so badly. Don’t do it woman! Save yourself from madness. He isn’t worth it. He puts you down because he has such terrible weaknesses within himself. It is not your fault.
Don’t waste your energy. The best thing you can do is to try and forget he exists if that is possible.

The one person in my life that I shouldn’t be talking to seems to save me from complete insanity. He saved me that week from the pain of my parents being away.

It had been a long time.

I started to think about my dream house, with the big court yard and the apple tree. Big stain glass windows, open fire place. I’ll sit in my chair in the courtyard in the autumn as all the leaves fall and drink cold tea and I’ll feel free, I finally will feel free. I can actually be that person. Will there ever be a happy ending? But a happy ending with all the bits in between? If I could just have minute to paint around the bits I missed out on that would be great.

So go out and get shagged
Go out and take drugs
Go on holiday with the girls
Fall asleep somewhere random
Drive to London and get lost without panicking
Wake up without needing the gym
And then by all means paint the town, do what you want!

I miss not eating chocolate
Waking up in the morning and chilling out
Cups of tea, breakfast in bed and cuddling my boyfriend like I use to

Get the hell out of your stupid fixed routine you obsessive bitch!!!!!!!!

I can't I just can't

There is no in between with me. It’s either black or it’s white and at the moment it’s black.

My boyfriend is wonderful, in fact he is amazing. I’m too lucky. I think about the luck I have fallen into and I praise the lord above. But then it scares me to think I could lose it.

I wouldn’t change him for anything. I would quite happily stay like this forever.

But I know my soul. It sounds so deep but it is just a soul. The person in me that I hope will live on and I know when I’m ready. And I’m not ready.

I’m confused.

So move forwards somehow? Don’t stay in one place.

Make a choice? But then maybe don’t make a choice. In life there are two paths, maybe three? Maybe four? No one knows what’s down number two or even if you missed number three or what would have happened had you of taken path number three after all. But you can’t go back and you can’t take back the things you have done so just grab a path and stick to it.

We are all human no one is any better. We are all going to die and we all have to wipe are own backsides when we go to the toilet. Fact.

Do you remember that day when I saw you on the other side? You smiled and said it was ok and that you didn’t really know me anymore. You left that day but I still held on to the person you used to be. I just couldn’t deal with it at the time. I had lost something so good and I felt revengeful. Selfish, stupid and twisted.

And then you held me for ages and all my problems seemed to fade away like there was nothing else left in the world. I had never felt like that before, I didn’t understand what was going on but I knew I had some catching up to do somewhere along the lines.

Why is hugging such a good cure?

You find ways to solve problems at the most random of times. Nothing makes sense.

Do you believe in fate?

Let’s just say destiny for now it sounds more positive.

On a positive note

2007-09-22T13:41:00.000+01:00

Seeing as I have a tendency to write about negative things at the moment in my life here is something positive!

I am enjoying work at the moment. Although my dad still whinges at me for being in my comfort zone I am actually having a good time.

The company I work for specialise with karaoke systems and high definition phosper screens for the pub, club and hotel industry. (plasma screens and LCDs) My job is to sell them to bar managers and Estate Agents as agents often use plasma screens to advertise their properties.

Ok it’s not the most attractive position but there is something about selling that helps to lift your confidence, you almost find a new part of yourself.

Yesterday I went to an exhibition to promote the products they sell. I was dreading it at first but it turned out to be a good day. It had been ages since I had been to London and it was good to go to such a huge event and meet new people. Although my feet felt like they were going to fall off by the end of the day and I was absolutely knackered from talking to endless amounts of people I think the experience did me good!

I’m really ok with where I am now. I also feel as if there is the potential to expand within the company, as it’s starting to grow.

OK I’m not using my journalism degree and I still have lots and lots of dreams about my life which I do honestly intend to use.

Who knows I may end up writing their newsletters or going on more exhibitions.
But right now I’m quite happy to just wait and see where this takes me.

Even if I don’t go anywhere with this position and it gets to a stage where my enthusiasm runs dry I will look ahead and see what else I can do because it is a shame to waste a good qualification. I have told myself to wait until January, if it’s still the same old, same old then my resolution will be to get my arse into gear and find a new career direction!!

Find your way

2007-09-16T13:35:00.001+01:00

I’m sorry to hear you’re not feeling great about life at the moment. I know your minds leaping from one thing to the next. Your startled, confused and feel like your missing out.

You know, no one ever said life was meant to be easy.

Try not to let your head play with your heart, you’re only end up falling apart and is it really worth it?

Your twenties are for playing with. You have made some good choices in life so I suggest you hold on to what you have at the moment. But don’t be afraid to venture. Don’t be so scared of life, you will know when the time is right to move on, even if that means leaving everything behind, letting your hair down and taking a year out to find you.

Find yourself, go travelling, take a trip, go crazy. Whatever it is you need to do just get it off your chest.

You will experience crushes like everyone does. You were only young when you first started out and now you’re looking around to see what else is about. So what? It’s only natural but be careful. Everything in your life at present means so much more than a silly crush.

Is it a crush? Or relief from negative emotions that were once lurking around in your head.

Friendships and relationships are never easy, we go through stages but in the end you’ll discover who the important ones are.

A mistake is a mistake, forgive yourself or no one else will. Perhaps your using your guilt as a mistake for this crush? Perhaps it’s because he was so in to you at one stage you were flattered but didn’t really care. Now all you want is the chasing back, but he’s not chasing you anymore and you’re kidding yourself into thinking you want to chase him. YOU DON’T.

You’ve missed the friendship and that is that.

I know you feel like you have taken the wrong path in life, and of course there were many others you could have stepped on to. Everyone has the same chances in life. You either go one way or the other. Stop blaming yourself for the things you haven’t done. Think about what you have done and reflect upon that, then sit quietly and make a decision about what you want to do.

Remember that whenever you feel lost in life, think about what you want to do and then act upon it, you will feel better, just for making the decision. Because once you have made a decision you can move on in life.

Always follow through your passions and don’t worry about what everyone else is doing.

Your life is your life, so live it and live it good.

Good luck and remember to always follow your instinct.

Letter

2007-09-11T19:34:00.000+01:00

Things have been really bad recently within the stupid "family circle" the DH is an even bigger Dh than ever!!!!!

I had a huge argument with the family recently where my mum actually had the nerve to accuse me of making my dad ill when it's him that causes all the stress in his life or so it seems. If it wasn't for my bf and close friends I would have had a break down by now i'm sure.

The bf obviously sees things from a different perspective. Here is a letter he wrote to the family. (it's not been given to them yet, I just think it helps to get it off the chest).

Why does it take a letter to communicate? Families are supposed to be able to talk to each other and when a family member has a problem other family members should be able to listen, take on board what is being said and act on it.
So how come talking always turns into a slanging match in this family? People blaming each other for insecurities that are being suffered within the person doing the blaming. Why, whenever something minor happens does it turn into a major event? How come Lindsay can barely breathe without someone screaming at her that she is doing it wrong or that she is “mental” there are plenty of things that she probably did before I was around that could have been classed as “mental” but she was a teenager? Teenagers do crazy stupid things, yes Gayle and Dh were perfect teenagers but trust me, they were alone, most teenagers will fly off the rails, I got arrested twice, I got drunk every night nearly for a whole year before I left school, turned up at school drunk, left school at lunchtime to go and get drunk. I didn’t “rebel” I just did what most teenagers do, I got it all out of my system, then I grew up and turned out alright. That is exactly what has happened with Lindsay; however because you lived with her during her teenage years you now hold it against her and that’s wrong.
She was heavily bullied at school yet nobody cared – it wasn’t attention seeking, many a time we have spoken about how unhappy she was and it is heartbreaking to hear what she went through, sitting in a toilet eating lunch because of how shit life was at school is not healthy but again nobody would listen she was just classed as “mental”
If there is one massive thing I can’t stand now that she is a fully-grown adult with her own mind is someone calling her mental. I like to think that I am a pretty sensible person, I have always surrounded myself with good people and I’ve loved Lindsay for 7 years now yes I have put up with her mood swings but not once have I thought she should be in an asylum somewhere she is a level headed young woman with her head and heart in the right place. Why this family can’t see that is beyond me. Dh moans at her for not having a sense of humour? He hasn’t said a nice word to or about her in about 5 years so how the hell would he know?
Why does Dh feel a need to whinge at Lindsay for wearing make up? All women wear make up? Yet whenever Dh picks an argument with Lin he says that she wears too much make up? Why does it bother him? What does it matter what Lindsay does – if that makes her feel good about herself what’s the big deal with it. Why does he feel the need to snigger everytime she walks past his door and says “Head down, head down” of course she has got her head down, she doesn’t want yet another confrontation, he makes her life a living hell. She is so uncomfortable in the house whenever he is there, is it any wonder that the best year in her life was when she was 21 and what a surprise that was the year Dh was travelling.
Do you know that the last time you were away Dh pushed her off her computer chair? Lindsay was speaking the truth as always, Dh couldn’t handle it and went to hit her, luckily he stopped but he still pushed her off the chair, he is very lucky he didn’t hit her because I would have put him in hospital. I left work early that day because Lindsay was so upset by it, she hasn’t told you any of this because of the fact that Peter had the operation not long before and you dhs didn’t need the stress, she is always thinking of you and what she can do to make your life easier but the love doesn’t go the other way. Its always “How can we please Dh” and Lin gets left out, when she was writing her dissertation, probably the most important thing she will ever write, Dh was pissing about playing his decks and nothing was done about it, instead, I believe what was said was “Can’t you do it at Paul’s” there was no understanding that she would have to lug about 20 books to my place, all of her work was already on her computer so she’d have to take that too? How hard would it have been to say to Dh “Please, stop with the decks just until she has finished the dissertation?” It wouldn’t have been and it ruined her concentration big time.
He moans that we only stay whenever you go away and you have even told Lindsay not to worry about staying, but that’s the problem, Lindsay is a natural worrier and she always will be, Dh is not a trustworthy person to leave in charge of a house as crazy as that sounds because he is 27 I can almost guarantee that he will do something stupid.
You have seen for yourself first hand the stupid things that he does, he didn’t forget to leave the front door open the other day, it is an every day thing with him, he has a phobia of shutting doors, whether it be the front door, the dishwasher door or the fridge door many a time I have been in the house and had to shut at least one of them. He is alright at shutting his bedroom door though when he slams it shut at 4 in the morning but that’s all! And if he does remember to shut the door he will leave his keys in it, its like he wants the place to get burgled! This is why Lindsay stays, I’m sure, when we move in together she’ll be fine but all she is doing is protecting her stuff and making sure the house doesn’t get burgled yet rather than be grateful for that you are telling her not to stay!!! She also feels she has to stay because of the cats, Dh says he is capable of feeding the cats yet he vanishes for days on end, yes he says its because we’re there but he would do it anyway – one night we were out quite late and Dh was already home, in the kitchen he could have fed them as he didn’t know if we would be back or not – but he didn’t because he doesn’t think about things like that, the cats are not in his “bubble” so he doesn’t care, they don’t even register in ‘Dh world’ if we didn’t stay then they’d bloody starve!
Oh and when I say ‘we’ there are times when I’d rather not stay as I have things to do but because Lindsay can’t stay with me, why shouldn’t I stay with her? We are a couple and like being together, plus I act as a barrier between the arguments but its just getting too much.
Lin does want to move in with me because of our love for each other, of that there is no doubt but part of her really does feel forced out of her own home, I can just imagine the moving out day, I can see Dh sitting there laughing because that’s the sort of childish behaviour I have come to expect from him, I really find it hard to believe that he is only 18 months younger than me, some of the things he does I used to do at 18, the fact he basically has a screaming fit if he doesn’t get his own way, yes Lindsay is sometimes guilty of that too but she is growing up rapidly in life. Dh is still a loafer, he is a sponge and will probably still be in his bedroom at 40 playing on his decks, he’ll never make it as a club DJ because he plays rubbish! The thing is Dh doesn’t get that because the drugs that he takes cloud his judgement, the walls in your house are thinner than you think and “pills” only really translate as one thing! He has probably been doing drugs longer than you can even think, yes most teenagers dabble every now and then and as Dh acts like such a child I expect him to be on them but in reality he is 27 going on 17.
He has also driven home while being high on drugs before – tell me that’s the actions of a sensible adult?
This, I believe, is the reason Dh is so touchy all the time, he thinks he is “cool” and he thinks he is right all the time but its like he has no grip on reality and I do wonder if the drugs have affected him in some way, perhaps mentally, hence turning the tables and actually making him the “mental” one – is that a possibility? I think so…I’m not writing this as a letter to grass Dh up, I’m writing it so you can get a better understanding of the stress Lindsay goes through and the things she actually puts up with to make your life easier.
She gets moaned at for not cleaning the bathroom, or not doing the ironing or not hoovering, but she does do it when she can but more importantly, she does it in the flat, she helps me out so much with hoovering, cleaning the bathroom and occasionally ironing, I feel the need to pay her! Instead I just take her out for a meal or something to show my gratitude so she technically has a whole flat to run so to moan at her for not doing her share in the house is wrong, she’s hardly ever there anyway, she is there roughly for about four hours a day and in that time she is working and working hard, yet Dh can come home at half five, play on his decks for 5/6 hours a night and nobody says a thing? He even gets his dinner delivered to his door. Does he even know how to turn an iron on let alone use the bloody thing?
When Pebbles was sick the other day, we cleaned up – imagine for a second that Dh was in on his own, we were staying at the flat that night and you dhs were on holiday. Would Dh have cleaned it up………? If you say yes you are very much mistaken! Or if he did clean it up he wouldn’t have used bleach and he would have probably screamed at Pebbles for doing it, making her even more scared of him than she already is, that cat is a very clever cat, doesn’t it tell you something that she always runs away whenever Dh comes in? Now think of Lindsay as that cat….. no she never runs away but if she could get under the sofa to get away from him I bet she would. I know I would! Things are not always Lindsay’s fault, and as she will be moving out soon, please try and understand it. That’s all.

Reminder

2007-09-03T20:28:00.001+01:00

YOU'RE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE WHOLE WORLD LINDSAY.

Update

2007-08-31T20:09:00.000+01:00

Excuse swearing and poor grammar - I'm on fire

Things have not been going too well. There is good and then there is bad.

Things at home are just impossible. I don’t think I have ever felt this impatient or desperate in my entire life and I just can’t believe it has actually got to the stage where I feel completely pushed out of the family.

Its not just the petty things that go on in my household, it’s the fact that I feel as if I no longer belong there.

I have become an outsider that just wanders in every now and then. I can see things that others cant and it’s very frustrating not being able to make others aware of what is going on, especially my dad. Families are tough things. They are tough because you are inside a circle and you are involved. Unless you step outside that circle and reflect it’s very difficult to see other peoples’ perspectives. Being the youngest, I have always felt like an outsider.

I look at my parents and siblings – I see issues that could easily be resolved, but due to vindictiveness, stubbornness and typical sibling rivalries they are impossible to resolve so there just remains tension and frustration within the stupid dumb family circle.

My dad for example. The other day – I had not seen him for about a week as I am at the Bf’s flat to get away from my COCK of a brother and his PATHETIC decks – (and no word of a lie) all he has done this week is play on them when he gets home from work, loud as bloody loud 6pm till midnight) What a sad mother fucker! Excuse the language but I’m bleedin pissed off.

ANYWAY - I was baking cakes in the kitchen to get away from the noise. Dad comes in. He says “are those outside shoes you are wearing” . My reply – “No I have had them for ages, they are my slippers”. Dad “Good because you shouldn’t be wearing outside shoes in the house. Me: Ya huh! I know this, look if you’re looking for a fight you picked the wrong person”. Dad: “I’m not looking for a fight just want to know what’s going on in your life?”. For fuck sake! This is what I mean!!! He has to pick a silly fight to find out what’s going on in my life. I told him I was sticking with the telesales as it pays lots of money. Dad: “Oh so you are in your comfort zone then”. NO NO NO – How dare you I say! Don’t you dare talk to me about comfort zones, if you want to whinge about comfort zones take a look at your son who takes a week of work that he “supposedly” does for you because he has come back from Ibiza with a drug hangover”. Dad: “Oh don’t be silly, he is working hard for us”. Me: “BOLLOX he is taking the piss out of you and you can’t even see it”.

Funnily enough he backed down after that. I explained I am not in a comfort zone. As some of you know – telesales pays GOOD money and I’m moving in with my boyfriend soon and I want to pay my way – unlike wanker bollox head who sponges his way through life and scrounges off the parents. YES ! I have a B A Hons in journalism and I intend on using it and I am applying for jobs within that industry but at the moment all I really give a shit about is earning money so me and BF can live together in PEACE.

You won’t believe how crazy the DH is driving me. Just because I opened a pasta packet he took my water out of the fridge AGAIN. How pedantic? How pathetic?? How am I related to this complete scumb bag????

Yesterday – all he did was …. Guess what? Play on his decks and make a mess in the kitchen after attempting to make food because mum and dad were out for the evening. I REFUSE to do his washing up – so I cleaned up mine and left his. GUESS WHAT? Dad comes home – “why doesn’t anyone do their washing up” RA RA RA RA RA RA BLA BLA BLA FUCKING BLA. Me – “Don’t have a go at me – it’s you son! I’m not cleaning up his shit because he is too lazy”. Now quite frankly who could blame my poor dad for being pissed off? He has had a nice evening out after working bloody hard (he runs his business all by himself) – and then he comes home and finds that mess? I felt deeply sorry for him. At the time the DH was upstairs playing his decks. I said “go upstairs, drag him away from his pathetic little dj land and make him wash up! Jeez he is 27 he should respect you and wash his bloody mess up! Dad: “No , no I will do it”. Me: “LEAVE IT”. Dad: I can’t! I cant stand mess!”.

Why? Why ? Why? Didn’t he drag the DH out of his pathetic hole and ask him to do it. My parents have given up I feel. They just want peace. Sooo why not tell him to move out?? GOD THEY ARE SO WEAK.

I GIVE UP.

Bf reckons the house sale will go through end of Sep. He told me to move in as soon as I can. I need to get the hell out. Clearly I’m above all this. Sadly my parents are away on the 6th Sep to the 13th so I am stuck with the arse hole again. I sincerely hope it’s like the last time ever! I am going to pray for peace within that week – anyone that prays too, pray for me!!!

Odd weekend

2007-08-29T20:17:00.000+01:00

So over the weekend someone else died. Guess what? It was bank holiday weekend and it’s like the third time! Why do people die bank holiday weekends? Does God think it’s easier that way?

Anyway, to cut a longer story short. I was driving to B/F’s on Sunday and the sun was like really low! So low I could hardly see! But I am in fact an idiot when it comes to driving. I drive fast all the time unless there is fog.

I swooped past an object and thought maybe I had hit it? But I wasn’t sure so I stopped the car and turned around. (All I was concerned about was whether or not I might have hit someone) But you would feel it if you hit someone right? I didn’t feel anything so assumed I didn’t, I was just scared as the sun was low and on this occasion I did slow down.

In the end the cars behind me were getting annoyed with my hesitance so I thought what the hell they would have seen it, had I of hit someone.

Had a lovely evening Sunday. Like I said the sun was low and warm. Most of it was spent in the pub garden. I felt great.

Next day. B/F and I decide to go on a nice trip to a Thai festival. On the way over - HOWEVER. There is a sign saying “POLICE, ACCIDENT WITNESSES WANTED”. I look to my right and I see someone had died. Either been run over or been in a very serious accident. Shit I thought – the poor buggers.

THEN – my schizo para little mind takes over………. But ? What , what,, what if? That might have been me! I wasn’t sure – could it???

By this point I am driving B/F mad, he thinks I have gone crazy. But all I could visualise at that moment in time was me in complete guilt of something I wasn’t sure about.

Maybe I was paranoid a little , but these things happen. Sometimes it’s not even your fault. You could be doing the speed limit and run someone over.

Or even worse get killed in a car accident. I bet the woman that died that day was not expecting to go in such a quick shot. But life has a habit of taking over. This is why I believe the sun should never set upon an argument, merely because you might never see that person again.

Now, on a slightly different note. I have this thing about banana skins and apples. Quite often I eat bananas and apples in the car. And then very ignorantly throw the remains out of the window. The other day I did it. But then afterwards I thought. What if someone came along, tripped over the banana skin and died. Would that be my fault? I felt so bad I drove back and picked it up. What is that? Is that someone telling me something?

B/F thinks I am mad but I think it could happen, so now I don’t throw things out of the window, especially since I started having awful dreams about being responsible for peoples’ deaths.

Can't keep me down

2007-08-27T10:55:00.000+01:00

18 Wheeler

Cant keep me down
Cant keep me down, down
Cant keep me down
I said you cant keep me down
You know you cant keep me down
I said you cant keep me down

Hey, hey, man! whats your problem?
I see you tryin to hurt me bad
Dont know what youre up against
Maybe you should reconsider
Come up with another plan
Cuz you know Im not that kinda girl
Thatll lay there and let you come first

You can push me out the window
Ill just get back up
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck
And I wont give a fuck
You can hang me like a slave
Ill go underground
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler but
You cant keep me down, down, down, down

Cant keep me down, down
Cant keep me down, down, down
Cant keep me down, down

Hey, hey, girl! are you ready for today?
You got your shield and sword?
Cuz its time to play the games
You are beautiful
Even though your not for sure
Dont let him pull you by the scar
Youre gonna get your feelings hurt

You can push me out the window
Ill just get back up
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck
And I wont give a fuck
You can hang me like a slave
Ill go underground
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler but
You cant keep me down, down, down, down

You can push me out the window
Ill just get back up
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck
And I wont give a fuck
You can hang me like a slave
Ill go underground
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler but
You cant keep me down, down, down, down

Everywhere that I go
Theres someone waitin to chain me
Everything that I say
Theres someone tryin to short-change me
I am only this way
Because of what you have made me
And Im not gonna break!

You can push me out the window
Ill just get back up
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck
And I wont give a fuck
You can hang me like a slave
Ill go underground
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler but
You cant keep me down, down, down, down

(Pink)

Escalating thoughts

2007-08-21T17:14:00.001+01:00

I’m thinking about how I can’t sleep
How an irritating voice is grating on me next door..
I hear coughing and laughing. It becomes so excruciatingly irritating that I want to break the wall down with a hammer and shoot the piece of shit behind it.

Now I’m thinking, it’s midnight and I have to be up at 6 am just so I can work my stupid body into the ground because I’m fanatical and obsessive.
This is so I can retain “normalness” and “sanity” in my life.

Now I’m thinking about the poor little buggers in Africa dying of starvation and AIDS or the kids that are being abused in their own homes and I’m having a go at myself and asking myself to just chill the fuck out. But is this possible? Can I hypnotise myself? Are there such things as miniature miracles?

Now I’m thinking my stomach is swollen, it’s bloated and I have cramps and I can’t sleep. I feel awful.
I’m thinking my big comfy workout pants are in the wash so I can’t wear them tomorrow. All I want to do this moment in my life is shit my guts out. The laxatives have 5 hours to go and I’m starting to get impatient.

I would be so happy if I could just shit.

I’m thinking am I constipated through stress? Or poor diet? Or because I work so hard my body is no longer functioning. I don’t know, I really don’t know what’s going on anymore.

Now I’m thinking tight workout pants are going to accentuate my bloatedness tomorrow, unless I wake up in the night and have an urge to get rid. But how likely is that? My bowels are buggered and I’m just 25.

Now I’m thinking about the sodding stupid woman at the call centre today. I couldn’t make out a word she was saying and she was mindblowingly irritating . So irritating I wanted to reach my hand down the phone and rip the fucking ear pieces out of her ears so she could catch every word I was saying.

Now I’m thinking about Special K and how refreshing it is to eat in the morning with soya milk. But then I guess anything is better than thinking about the disgusting sandwich I ate today with disgusting Sainsbury’s bacon and chicken sandwich filler. Yuk! Yuk yuk yuk.

I’m thinking about my hair. I just caught a glimpse of it in the mirror. It’s a bloody mess. It’s knackered, it’s weak and it’s brittle. It coincides with me. This is doing me no good. Why punish yourself this time of the night? But then why live with a family that punishes you this time of the night?

Now I’m thinking about my friends and how they are all Kak. Where the hell did they all bugger off to? But now I’m thinking Pink and how much she has helped me to identify with the person I am.

I’m thinking about the friend I lost, Leah. I’m thinking back to memories of teen years and tragic circumstances. I’m thinking how much I hated her, but then how much I loved her. Now I’m thinking about Cat Stevens and the songs we used to sing – “Moonshaddow” our favourite! Man she taught me a lot about life, and to never be ashamed of who I was or what I believed in. I never felt ashamed of anything around her.

I really am who I am. Yes this is me.

Now I’m back to Pink U and Ur hand. I’m thinking I’m straight, but she is fit. The Special K doesn’t seem so appealing now.

My stomach aches even more.

I’m constipated
I’m frustrated
And I want to move out

I don’t care how messed up I sound. This is how I feel and this is what’s going on.

WHY?

2007-08-20T22:04:00.000+01:00

Why are people so cruel, messed up, greedy, selfish, full of self pity, inconsiderate, ignorant, aggressive, narcissists, twisted, bitter, evil, sinful, sick, nasty, paedophiles, murderers, rapists, racists, freaks, unsympathetic, backstabbing, illogical, idiotic, cruelty to animals and innocent beings, ruthless, juvenile, immature, disgusting, mental, ridiculous individuals.

Why are we living in such a messed up nation?

Does it get worse or any better?

Does the government become fairer or greedier?

Do the media become more formal or sensational?

Do people become inhibited or more forward?

Are people irrespective of other’s feelingS or more considerate?

Do people on the roads get worse or more wary?

Are kids less respective of their elders or given more independence?

Are we given more freedom today or are we becoming more detached and secluded?

Do we even care what’s acceptable in society? Or weigh up the pros and cons of our actions?

Do humans even think anymore?

Do they even care?

Is my brother irritating or just damn bloody irritating?

I copied HB (kinda)

2007-08-17T11:31:00.000+01:00

I started to write a random story but I don't know where it is going. So I was hoping people would carry on where I left off. Could be quite interesting?

Here it is:

Amy appreciated the small, delicate things in life.

She liked the pretty ornaments above the fireplace and the flowers that filtered through the fields on her way to work.

Amy was all about art and taste. Her eyes were set towards colour and contrast, but mainly perfection.

Everything seemed to fit perfectly, and the tiny cracks in her life were decorated beautifully. It left her feeling insecure at times. What if someone was to ruin this tower she had created? In her mindset she was free, she was focussed but what about the others? She couldn’t be responsible for them.

People that were so bold and brash seemed to destroy Amy’s world.
She hadn’t painted such an extraordinary picture for people to just step in and ruin.

Her sister Mildred, was the opposite of everything that Amy set herself out to be. Her Father never understood how two siblings could be so different. Was he just shallow minded?

Mildred didn’t understand art and Amy frowned heavily upon her inability to see things from other peoples’ perspectives. It frustrated Amy that Mildred couldn’t see the mystery in her choice of art, or the pretty pastel paintings that illustrated Amy’s imagination.

Her depth and beauty was years ahead of Mildred. Mildred was so consumed with blending in to the crowd and becoming one of those people that trampled on individuality that her mind was no longer open.

People had turned her into a self centred little madam and her selfish desires would take over everything to the extremes that she would deplore everything others did or find a reason to put them down.

In the end Amy felt nothing but anguish towards her entire family. Her mother wasn’t much better in understanding her creative patterns.

Family event

2007-08-12T18:34:00.001+01:00

Event last Saturday. Pictures are good - you can post on line, treasure the memory and be assured you will never lose it!

All Spiller's family not mine! Doesn't he look like his dad! Rest :- His mum, brother, brother's wife and daughter and son. And I look like Betty Boo.

Uneven balance

2007-08-09T19:10:00.000+01:00

I'm just posting this because I needed to get it out

I’m so upset, angry, furious frustrated, lost, confused, trapped, pissed off, revengeful, insane, going crazy, crazy mad about life.

We only tolerate people whinging about life to a certain degree huh? I despise of people that whinge, whinge, whinge for no real purpose. But sometimes you can’t help it. I feel so bad every time my brother does something else to piss me off, or every time I whinge about my weight, or every time I get stuck in front of someone that can’t drive.

In worse cases I complain about my jeans falling apart or my heels breaking. But why am I whinging about this stuff? There are people dying in Africa of AIDS and starvation. People homeless on the streets, and people dying of all sorts of illnesses that they don’t deserve but what can we do about it?

Everything in my life is “technically” fixable.

Yet I feel depressed, I feel fed up and most of all I feel angry. That anger just leads to depression and I take it out on people that don’t deserve it.

If we don’t live in such a f*cked up world then why is it my friends sniff up cocaine? I give so much to my friends and get f*ck all back in return. People are anorexic yet in South Africa they would do anything for the luxuries we have.

Why are we spoilt?
Why are so many people I know so self involved?
At one side of the world we have people staving, yet the other side it’s full of material and high maintenance and pointless problems.

What’s going on? My problems seem so tiny when I read the papers yet they are such a big deal to me.

Such as this minor problem:

As you all know my family LOVE pebbles except for the DH. Mum has a picture of pebbles on her screen saver at work. The other day I blablablaetc. The only problem is blablabla so I can’t exactly show my parents – why would they care anyway? This is something an 8 year old would do. It’s not just the fact he is 27 and acting like a complete child, it’s the fact that he has no reason to do it?

It’s obviously because it’s MY cat. But so what? What does it have to do with him? Why take it out on her? She is just a cat, a poor defenceless animal. Why does he have to be this pathetic?

It’s things like this that make me sooooooo desperate for the house sale to go through so we can move out, but the thing is, then what? I can’t bear to be without her, but I can’t take her with me either because we are moving to a house that has a main road – I could never live with myself if anything happened to her.

Oh God help me please!

Sunshine makes us happy!

2007-08-08T14:01:00.000+01:00

Amongst other things.....................

Apparently we are solar powered. Plants use sunlight to make glucose and glucose is basically the fuel that we run on, and in my opinion a fuel I crave!

Sunlight is good for us and we really suffer when we don’t see it. Some even develop S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder). This is because sunlight boosts the happiness transmitter – serotonin. Research suggests that this is particularly true for women and could also be the reason as to why so many of us become depressed quickly. Basically it affects us women three times more than men!

If we have low serotonin levels we tend to crave sweet foods. Without doubt the best way to boost serotonin levels is through sunlight! A lot of people say that spending too much time in the sun is bad for you, but I have just found some very good positives.

Sunlight does more than just lifting your spirits, through it’s ability to make vitamin D, it appears to boost the immune system, reduce our cancer risks and improve bone health! Upping vitamin D levels has been proven to reduce the risk of breast, prostrate and colon cancer.

I have also found five foods that make you happy in my psychology magazine:

Mackerel – full of omega 3s and vitamin D

70% dark chocolate - contains mood boosting endorphins that also increase sex drive

Berries – high in mood boosting folic acid, berries also help drive tryptophan from the blood to the brain (the amino acid found in protein foods)

Scrambled eggs with poached salmon – the eggs and salmon are high in tryptophan and the salmon in omega 3. So eat, eat, eat healthy!

Thanks for the comment

2007-08-05T11:49:00.000+01:00

It's just what I needed

Yesterday I got told I looked fat. I’m not hugely, hugely bothered to the extent that I’m going to starve myself to my death bed. But it really has made me paranoid.

Things have been really bad recently and my head as been all over the place with various things going on in my life. I have started taking on heavier work outs and I can’t stop myself. I have become incredibly fussy with food and I feel it’s something I can’t control anymore. I’m not in a danger zone but it is making me miserable. It’s easy for people to say “cut the exercise down slowly”. But it’s harder than that and it has become a drug.

And then someone hits you with an unwanted comment when you’re feeling at your most vulnerable state.

Why do people always do that? Do they know your feeling like shit or something? Am I giving out an extra sensitive vibe? I just want to cry all the time. I know I’m not fat, fat , fat. 7 ½ stone and 5ft 4. But then you wonder maybe I really do look fat?

I was wearing a yellow tunic dress , it was a really hot day and I felt I looked ok, but before I went out I was a little self conscious about my stomach, thinking “does it stick out in this dress?” (will post the pics when I have got them off the digi cam)

It wasn’t a horrendous comment but it went something like this:

B/F’s dad: “That’s a nice dress you are wearing”
Me: Thanks it is actually a tunic top, I decided to wear as a dress”
BF’s dad: “Well you’re so skinny I guess you could fit into anything”
Me: “I’m not that thin”
BF’s dad: Yes I guess you are not, what’s going on with your stomach, are you getting a bit of a gut?”

WTF? That certainly ruined the rest of the evening for me. Some people may laugh at me for letting it get on top of me. But let me express I am an OVERLY sensitive person and take things like this very seriously. It festers in my head until eventually it drives me mad. All I could think about at this stage was trying to lose more weight. Why would he say that?

It just irritates me so much. I went through a really hard time last year with it. I started losing more hair than what I normally would and I was feeling physically sick and dizzy after work outs due to the fact I wasn’t eating enough to replace the calories I was losing during exercise. It actually scared me and was like a wake up call? But when someone makes a comment like that it just brings me back to compulsion and paranoia like your whole world just collapses there and then. I work so hard at keeping my body in shape and then I get that thrown at me. It sucks.

DoIdon'tIdoIdon'tI OR DO I?

2007-07-31T14:48:00.000+01:00

A couple of weeks ago I was browsing over Gumtree.com for media jobs when I saw an advertisement for modelling extras that said earn up to £200.00 a day. I thought easy!

The post required that you sent some details off along with photos of yourself so I did it! This was merely for a laugh because I never thought I would get in.

Anyway, they have written to me saying that they liked the photographs of me and would I like to go for an interview in London. As exciting as this is, the letter also said:

To work with us means:
. Be available to work with a short notice
. Be able to travel in/outside London
. Not to be afraid to pose in front of photographers
. Coming on time, be responsible and reliable

It just sounds so scary! And I am a very personal person who doesn’t like lots of fuss and orders and lets me honest here, I can be VERY camera shy.

I was thinking to myself the other day that I need to take more chances in life but is this really for me? I am meant to be applying for work in the media, and I honestly am! I have sent my CV everywhere but I either don’t have enough experience or they don’t reply to my mails.

This means I need to start off as “junior” and basically I can’t be arsed with that. I want everything to happen now. I don’t want to be “junior” as much as I know it’s something that probably needs to be done, I have done it all before! I started off as “Office junior” before I started uni and decided that I hated it. Now it’s bloody “Journalism junior” Oh bollox.

Well I’m so lost, I just need a lucky break, where do I start people? I have my writing, my singing, my creative imagination but how do I tie all that together?
Click on this link for the modelling website extras, if anyone thinks it looks dodgy let me know pleeeeease!

I just need someone to say NO Lindsay, YES Lindsay! Hahahahaa if life was that simple huh?

No I don’t want an apple turnover!

2007-07-25T16:38:00.000+01:00

OR a Florentine…………….

The girls at work do this thing where they bring cakes in every so often in the morning.

I’m not really a cake person, and I certainly don’t take to fatty cakes and biscuits, first thing in the morning. It’s not that I am a weight paranoid person or anything odd like that, I like the odd treat but I have my set meal and that is that.

Normally when I come into work I have just eaten breakfast or had a work out, the last thing I want is a big fatty cake!!! I like to have my malt loaf, fruit, sandwich and cup of tea split evenly throughout the day.

If I was to have a cake it would break up my routine, and I don’t like my routine ruined. Plus it would put me off my savoury lunch.

Last time I got out of the cake thing ok. One lady brought apple turnovers in, and I made up some excuse that I didn’t like them! She was like “oh how can you not like them?” “Er I just don’t ? Jeez leave me alone!”

They are middle age women, that don’t really give a boo hockey about their figures bla bla bla, I know ! They have had kids and are no longer fazed by appearances or that guilty feeling that often triggers after eating something devilish and naughty.

Why the hell should I put myself through all that guilt just to stop them from feeling guilty because they are stuffing their faces and I’m not?

So today, guess what? The apple turnover woman brings in bloody Florentines! How could I get out of it? I could see the greasy fat clinging to the paper bag.... I just can't do things like that. It's not because I get worried about putting on weight, it just makes me feel guilty eating something that I know is bad for you. I try hard to control everything I eat. I do eat and I eat good, but I just eat things that only I want.

She was like “c’mon Lindsay, eat yours”… I was like Noooooooooooooooooooo I don’t bloody want to! Leave me alone. In the end I just took a bite and pretended that I had eaten the rest by hiding it in my bag when she was not looking.

Honestly , these people! It’s so petty I know, but something I simply don’t want to do. What do I do the next time she brings a cake in?

LOL - I just found this poem , written 1 year ago!

2007-07-24T16:26:00.000+01:00

Worry

Worry about tomorrow....
But worry because you want to,
because you can, & because it helps you to build your plans.

Worry about tomorrow because it's not here yet.
Worry, because it's painful. Worry because it's free and worry because it's the only key.

Then worry a little more, worry until you’ve hit the core,
worry because that’s all you seem to do,
worry because if you didn't, then you wouldn't be you.

Worry about biting of more than you can chew ,
oh worry & worry until you're through
and worry because it makes you mad,
worry, even when you’re shamefully sad.

Then worry about losing control,
worry because it digs a deeper hole.
Worrying is better than thinking; you actually don’t feel like you’re sinking.

You can even worry about the things that don’t make sense – go on do it! Surround yourself with a fence.

But don’t take offence, when people tell you “honey you look so tense” .
Just worry because you have a reason,
not just because it’s the start of a new season......

Out of control worry

2007-07-23T17:52:00.000+01:00

Help! My mind is spiralling out of control yet again and the breaks don’t work.

I was having this morbid conversation at work today about death. Basically we were discussing how horrible it is not knowing when your number is up.

The woman I work with believes that when your time is up, that’s basically it, whether you’re abroad, on a train or sitting in a chair doing nothing, when the big man wants you, he wants you.

So what about starting up a new happy life with your loved one, knowing it could horribly fail?

What amount the amount of times I worry at night because my boyfriend or dad is five minutes late arriving home? The anxiety that enters my mind feels unbearable to deal with.

I picture horrific scenes and panic about what might have happened. Dammit why am I so negative and dramatic? Do you think negative things happen to negative thinkers? How can I try and be more positive? How can I say STOP when I know my mind is working overtime?

I know there is no guarantee in life and I know we have to live everyday like it’s your last, but I can’t bear living without any reassurance. I could drive myself mad, I really could!

I have faith in God, I really do, but the lord does work in mysterious ways, ways which are beyond our knowledge, control and understanding.

Maybe I just feel way too insecure about life at the moment, I don’t know. I just wish I could find a way of dealing with the anxiety of losing someone close to me.

The colour quiz

2007-07-22T17:02:00.000+01:00

Existing Situation
Acts in an orderly, methodical, and self-contained manner. Needs the sympathetic understanding of someone who will give her recognition and approval.

Stress Sources
Feels that life has far more to offer and that there are still important things to be achieved--that life must be experienced to the fullest. As a result, she pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity that will not let go of things. Becomes deeply involved and runs the risk of being unable to view things with sufficient objectivity, or calmly enough; is therefore in danger of becoming agitated and of exhausting her nervous energy. Cannot leave things alone and feels she can only be at peace when she has finally reached her goal.

Restrained Characteristics
Wants to broaden her fields of activity and insists that her hopes and ideas are realistic. Distressed by the fear that she may be prevented from doing what she wants; needs both peaceful conditions and quiet reassurance to restore her confidence. Circumstances force her to compromise and to forgo some pleasures for the time being. Capable of achieving physical satisfaction through sexual activity.

Desired Objective
Longs for a tender and sympathetic bond and for a situation of idealized harmony. Has an imperative need for tenderness and affection. Susceptible to anything esthetic.

Actual Problem
Has a fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants. This leads her to employ great personal charm in her dealings with others, hoping that this will make it easier for her to reach her objectives.

Take the ColorQuiz yourself right now!

Who knew?

2007-07-21T21:25:00.001+01:00

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

(pink)

I can't stop worrying

2007-07-19T21:31:00.001+01:00

I just can’t help it. I WISH I wasn’t like this.

I have one of those minds that tend to wander…………. And wander……………… and wander. One simple situation may mean something to someone but to me it means the world and then it festers, delving itself deep into my troubled mind to the extent that I can’t sleep.

Why do I always try to control things I can’t? Why do I spend so much time worrying about things I can’t change?

I spend so much time worrying about the house. I feel I can’t go out when my parents are away in case Mr Dick head leaves the front door open, or I think what if he leaves something on? My animals are in the house and my belongings, it’s such a worry and it’s really stressing me out. He is such a liability and I don’t know how my parents put up with it.

This may sound odd, but I kinda also feel odd about terrace houses. It’s attached to someone else’s house and I can’t control what they do, what if they start a fire? That means it would spread to ours.

What If I die?
What if someone close to me does? I would never want to know my death date, or my BF’s, Mum’s whatever. But I constantly worry. It has become so bad that every time they walk out the door I’m threating whether or not they will walk back in.

What if it doesn’t work out at the terrace? What if I never find the right job? What if I take pebbles and she runs away or gets snatched? I wish I could explain to her but I cant she is a cat.

I can’t live my life like this, it’s driving me mad and I don’t know how to stop, how to find inner peace.

What’s up with me?
I don’t want to be like this.

I copied 20 something! Tee hee

2007-07-18T20:30:00.000+01:00

Me as Kate Hudson

Me as Alison Hannigan

Looks like I am finally moving out!

2007-07-18T16:34:00.000+01:00

Ooooh scary
And lots of pictures........

We made an offer on this property yesterday and it has been accepted!

What can I say? It feels Craaaaaaaaaaaaaazy. I feel like I am torn between two worlds. Part of me wants to stay at home, and the other half can't wait. I will so miss the chats with mum and dad (my dad's gonna be the worst when I leave) Oh it's going to be so dramatic and emotional and I still don't know what to do about pebbles. She is being extra cute at the moment - why is that always the way? Her being extra, extra cute makes me not want to leave her.

BUT the good news is, the property has a fabulous garden and field round the back so who knows? House hunting is quite exciting, as you walk around houses and envisage what it’s going to be like, how you’re going to do it up etc etc. What will go where? Will we fit it all in? We visited lots! And although I liked a fair few when I walked into this one I just knew it was the one! New kitchen, new bathroom, laminated floors the lot! It hardly needs any work. The only annoying thing is the fact that it doesn’t have any built in wardrobes for all my clothes and shoes but nothing is ever perfect!

Anyway take a look at these pics!

Weak, weak pathetic little excuse for a man

2007-07-15T11:32:00.000+01:00

Any man that hits a woman is a loser.

Why, why why why why why why why why why why do my parents have to go away???

As predicted the DH is up to his pathetic tricks.

He leaves a note in the kitchen expressing that I should be careful when I put the toilet seat down because it woke him up the other night. WHAT? Errr excuse me and your decks do what?

Yes he had the nerve to write a list of “pointers” that I should look in to account. HOW? When he has faults as long as both arms?

He told me to load the dish washer up? NO! I am not lazy I can wash up after myself thank you.

In regards to this faults. He is incapable of shutting doors and windows. Stands in his bedroom and plays his decks. Leaves dirty washing on bathroom floor. NEVER washes up, or cleans, or washes his clothes. He doesn’t iron either. He does sweet F. A and somehow he thinks he can own the house. He doesn’t look after the cats and he doesn’t take any responsibility.

NOW when I pointed this out to him he used personal insults as a way of getting his point across. He used my degree , and said he could have got a 2.2 with his arse. I pointed out that his big sister got exactly the same mark as me what’s he going to do about that? Well what could he say? Because he gets on with the other sister. It rivalled me because he has done F*ck all , he quit university how does he have the nerve to try and put me down like that?
The insults just went on and on and on. He even tried to insult my taste in music saying I didn’t have any taste and that I have no personality???? Hello…. I have a hell of a lot more personality than you and my CD collection is extremely varied, he doesn’t even listen to real music! Honestly – do you see why I call him D.H . DICK HEAD. The truth of course is that he knows nothing about me. Absolutely Nothing! And yet he thinks he has me sussed out because all he ever tries to do is put me down.

It doesn’t bother me as much as it use to because I know I have more in my life than he ever will and also that he has an incredibly weak personality to even do the things that he does or say the things that he says.

I simply pointed lots of things out. And he said that he didn’t like me being here when mum and dad were away. I said tough! I still live here and plus they asked me to because you are incapable of taking on any responsibility and if you don’t like it move out and get your own place like most normal people would do at your age.

He then storms into my room and tries to hit me? Instead he pushes me off my chair and I graze my arm.

What a weak pathetic pathetic pathetic little man. Using violence because the truth hurts. I just feel so frustrated. Why is he such a loser?

Moving out.... Harder than what it seems

2007-07-11T12:03:00.000+01:00

I know that life was never meant to be easy, but I think this is one of the hardest things I will ever have to do in life.

The B/F sold the flat, which means pretty soon we will be moving into together and I will have to leave my childhood behind. All those times I ranted and raved about moving out “I can’t wait to get out of here, I can’t wait”. Now it might actually be happening sooner than what I thought. It’s actually really scary. As a child I dreaded the thought. Now I’m grown up I realise I have to move on but how easy is it to finally let go?

Will I still be able to go back and see my parents?
What about my cat?
How often should I keep in touch?
Will this affect the relationships I have with them?
Will it still be my home?
What if they forget me?
What about my bedroom? What will happen to that? It will look so empty.

Of course I want to move out, I want to be able to pay my own way and live with the freedom of being able to do my own thing and develop naturally with BF. It will be nice not having to take responsibility for my brother’s faults when my parents go away.

I won’t have to listen to his decks or his pathetic little efforts of trying to put me down.

But I will seriously miss the house I have been living in for 24 years. It doesn’t seem possible somehow? I know it’s going to be really hard to let go.

Although I’m desperate to escape from home life and family arguments I actually forgot that there are so many things I will be leaving behind.

It wasn’t until dad said last night that I realised: “So you are leaving us” “my baby is leaving”? It’s really sad and I guess it’s harder because I am the youngest.

When it comes to the crunch I think it’s going to be hard to say my final goodbye and to allow change into my life. I just can’t believe how sad I feel about the whole situation. What makes it worse is that my parents go away for ten days today and I’m stuck with the idiot again. Ha ha!

I found this quote today:

“The greatest spiritual growth comes from suffering. Let the bad times roll”.

Give something back to me

2007-07-10T17:27:00.001+01:00

I spend my whole life giving, to get nothing back in return
I don’t expect it
I don’t reject it

I’m just hanging loosely on the edge,
Waiting for equality
Searching for mythology

To find I’m always the one to blame
The one to hang her head in shame

I’m not plain
No, I’m no ordinary
Just take a look at my book collection
It’s vibrant, it’s extravagant, educational
Wonderfully sensational………….

Why don’t you give me something back?

I live my life by a one way track
Tearing off into all sorts of different directions
Mystifications and complicated creations…..

I have to have my little scenes
I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t fit the team
I’m dancing, dancing, I’m keen, I’m keen

Look at me I’m great
Don’t build a wall of hate

So why don’t you give something back?

Interesting........

2007-07-03T19:53:00.000+01:00

Impatience... more common than we thought.

Not so long ago I started to believe that I was the only one that suffered from impatience.

There are times in my life where I simply don’t recognise myself, whether it’s screaming at the slow driver in front of me, searching for my keys in my bag or waiting for a kettle to boil. I just don’t have the patience for the simplest of simple things!

I was in a queue the other day at the bank and it was huge! I knew there was nothing I could do about it but I found myself, tutting, swearing, stamping my feet and sighing. It’s like “wow Lindsay what are you doing? You are humiliating yourself and you look like a bloody idiot!”

I know I do! But I can’t stop myself.

Anyway I brought my favourite magazine psychologies today and discovered I am not the only one. There was a lengthy article based on impatience. According to a recent survey over 96 percent of us in the UK admit to behaving badly due to pressures of time. Incidents of road rage are also on the rise and more than half of UK residents admit to driving through red traffic lights when they are late. A landmark study at Northwestern University in the US has found that chronic impatience, Time Urgency Impatience (TUI) is a better predator of high blood pressure than factors such as hostility or competitiveness . What I did find VERY interesting was that the group they found most likely to suffer from impatience was educated women!!!

Women are more likely to experience impatience because they tend to learn at a young age that anger is unsafe or dangerous and that they shouldn’t express it. Professional women also have more pressures and demands such as deadlines, busy jobs, hectic family lives, parents, siblings etc. So basically when their anger is delayed they direct it inwards and these “imploders” build up resentments and irritability. Not only that but I guess you have to take into account the new world of technology.

The click of a mouse and you can have clothes or food delivered to your door. Text messages, MP3’s emails, scanning, word documents, excel whatever it is, it’s there! We are so used to having everything at the flick of a switch we naturally become impatient with anything that involves effort I guess. The development of new technologies is fantastic but I can’t help but think it is to blame for people’s intolerance levels and also the rise in obesity.

The truth of course is that we take way too much for granted. Are we just being tested? I feel like my patience is tested everyday.

Now it’s all gone

2007-07-01T15:10:00.000+01:00

I’m not painting a picture
I’m not classing myself as supreme
I don’t care about the endless hours
Or the magic of building a tower
For it all to fall down

When my head becomes heavy and I’m judged by a frown
I refuse to wear it, I’m letting go of this crown

The blood, the sweat, the tears,
What was it all for?
I’m sick of opening up new doors

And now it’s all gone
I’m wondering what’s right or wrong

So hold on to the others
Deny yourself from fame
Live life in the fast lane
Save yourself from the pain and the anguish that we feel when life becomes this lame

Now it’s all gone
I’m wondering how far I have to go to make others realise
To unravel the knots
To be consistent
To flourish, to flow

I may glow outside the box
But deep down I’m taken back by the knocks

I don’t care about the husband’s and their wives
Or the Sunday mornings where you sharpen up all the knives
I’m not doing 9-5
Nor counting by the hands on the clock
Sitting in boring docks
Drawing pictures of shepherds and their flocks

I didn’t come all this way for nothing
Freedom of choice, the power, my voice
Pull back the cover
It’s as clear as mud

And now it’s all gone
I can carry on singing this song
I won’t be the first you’ve seen
Hidden amongst these meaningless dreams

Graduation...a memorable today

2007-06-28T18:49:00.000+01:00

I hate this picture but it is the only one I have till I get the originals! I looked pretty moody in all of them! I hate having my hair prodded around with, people telling me how to stand, smile, do this, do that, let me pull this over you, let me straighten this up bla bla. Not to mention mum telling me to brush my hair and tuck my fringe into my hat! Arrrghhhhh, I think my parents were more excited than me bless them!

Poor Spiller, it was his birthday and he had to spend it in a Cathedral, watching me graduate!

I'm not dead

2007-06-26T20:19:00.000+01:00

Just yet............

Remember a couple of posts back I blogged about pink? And how the song I am not dead to my life?

Well my degree is over……………

That’s it, I feel dead.

But on the other hand I guess I’m not dead, just changing.

But changing how?

I now have B . A hons after my name. B.A in journalism, but it’s not clever. Yeah I worked hard, in fact I worked my little arse off but it got me 57% of my degree, I’m stuck with a 2.2 which is ok but not great.

Just as I predicted I’m feeling like shit and not inspired to move on in the “journalistic world”. I was desperate for that 2.1, only a few marks I would have got it! I swear it’s to teach me a lesson. I had very high expectations of myself because my dad was so sure I could do it. He was desperate to show my sister that I was more than capable of high achievement. I don’t blame him. My sister is full of herself. She got a 2.2 as well. What can I say? She can’t criticize me I guess because we are both equal now. But is doesn’t stop me from feeling like pooh. And it doesn’t stop me from thinking that somehow I let my dad down.

I graduate tomorrow . God knows what that will be like! Really, really not looking forward to it. Not looking forward to wearing that stupid hat. It’s just humiliating!

I don’t want to be a journalist anyway! Well, I don’t want to be someone that sits in a local newspaper office faffing around with mundane press releases. Why waste your time? I mean why? If you’re bored get up and move on. I have always done that. I didn’t go back into education to be stuck in an office, no no no I’m not doing it. So what do you want to do with your life Lindsay?

I don’t know,

I feel terrified.

5 years of education now I just feel lost. However , it’s not as if I have come out not knowing who I am. My confidence gets better by the minute and I have met some great people in life. If I don’t reach my 30s then there is a reason for that. It’ because my 20’s have been the best years of my life and I truly know that. Ok I’m only 25 but I love, just love being 20 something! Some say 30 is great, but by the time you reach 30 you know who you are, where is the fun in that? All I can think of is loving the confidence to be who you really are?

Journalism , it’s so controversial these days.

I can write on so many different levels, but it is way too creative for news reporting. I want to be a song writer, or an author. OR someone that goes undercover.

But then I love singing and I love performing. All the things I desire seem impossible to make money out of? Why is it all the money initiates from sitting behind a bloody desk?

RW and HB

PS – my CD got recorded today – but I don’t know how to post it on you tube? As for the CD over – I’m having HB’s idea for cover – me looking casual and then the poser one on the inside cover! Thanks guys!

Why is evil sexy?

2007-06-25T11:25:00.000+01:00

From Hollyoak’s Warren to bad boy played by Hugh Grant in Bridget Jones – why are evil men always sexy?

I never fancy the men that play the nice, gentle, caring part in films or TV episodes, it’s always the men that take the risks and do naughty things.

Men that have a little bit of edge to them are so sexy. The rough, rigid look drives us women insane!

So what’s the turn on here? I used to fancy Trevor from British soap opera Eastenders. He was a wife beater! And did the most horrific things to his wife but I STILL found him sexy. I loved the convincing eyes and smarmy smiles he used to pull off. The strong athletic build and sexy accent was enough for me!

Maybe this is why sexy men are picked for bad scenes? It clearly draws in an audience and goes back to that saying “she always falls for the bad ones”.

I can’t work this out, is it just the power men hold over certain women? I never used to find Hugh Grant attractive until he played the bad boy in Bridget Jones. It just proves that if men play you the right way you can’t get enough of them!

It’s the same old trick. Think about the amount of domestic violence that goes on in households where battered wives remain with their violent husbands. I know some just find it an impossible situation to get out of but often, when they are asked why they stayed with their husband they say “because I loved him”. Yet he beat you?

It is very odd indeed and something I will never understand. I would never let anyone hit me. But I will confess to being played. Men seem to like the thrill of the chase and soon as it’s up that’s it!

It’s wanting something you know you can’t have, it just drives you insane…………… the sexy evilness continues to go round in circles keeping us women on our toes.

RW and HB - opinion!

2007-06-22T22:13:00.000+01:00

Sell yourself

2007-06-22T11:33:00.000+01:00

I got quite drunk the other night and we took the following pics. I'm being naughty here. I have never had confidence with posing for the camera I hate them! When you are drunk it is so easy, you don't care!

The reason is that i'm getting a CD done of my singing. The friend I work with knows a record dealer and told me to get an image together and take some pictures.... so she can send it all off as a package. So here they are. But I knew I had to be drunk.

There are more, but not all are appropriate to blog........

Sell yourself, you love it!

Pebbles

2007-06-18T17:22:00.000+01:00

(click on pic to make bigger) Mum and dad took this pic today and it cheered me up! This is why I don't want to leave her because she is so beautiful!

I am so in love with her.

Confidence

2007-06-18T11:29:00.000+01:00

Get over self

Confidence has always been something I have suffered with, ever since I was a child. All the bits have been there, but I just never seemed to know what to do with them. Or even accept the person I was.

I have always felt lost and never had full confidence in being myself around others. I guess this is because I am afraid they won't accept me for who I really am. Therefore, I have always had this silly issue with myself. Now EVERYONE has flaws and weird little packages. But from a very young age I remember being told that I was different. I would get comments such as "your not all there" and " your not like everyone else" I was overprotected. It certainly felt that way, anyway.

Therefore, I always felt I wasn’t quite good enough. I am indecisive and unsure and this has often given people the impression that I am moody and unapproachable. Quite the opposite in fact.

I love talking, building relationships and engaging in conversation. Most of all I love the world.

If you can identify with the person you are and have the confidence to be that person then generally there isn’t a problem in life. I didn’t start to identify with who I really was until I started running. I knew I was a good runner but was scared of looking silly in front of others who were better than me.

Or I was worried I might “trip up and look the fool”. But despite my negative thinking I forced myself to do it and it really gave me a sense of who I was. It was almost like forcing self acceptance upon myself. Running in front of a mirror every day wasn’t vanity but a way of focussing on me and learning to acknowledger and appreciate my body’s capability.

“I am this person, it’s fantastic, it’s amazing just accept it”.

But then there is having faith in your own abilities. Sure you get told you are pretty, athletic, fit, whatever! But that doesn’t mean anything it doesn’t give you the confidence you need to face the world.

Singing has opened up so many doors for me. I have always loved singing, it brings me out of myself, and allows me to get my views across and no one can say anything! I am fine when I am on stage, I simply don’t care what others think.

However once put to the test I do. Any form of judgement and I fall to pieces. Learning to perform with confidence really isn’t easy. Singing isn’t just about opening your mouth, it’s a physical performance and you really do have to let yourself go. It is an expression of who you are. By making a statement about yourself or the world can make others think in a way they never did before.

My singing tutor has picked this up in me – a strong need to inform the world of my beliefs. But as she says, the only thing that lets me down is my confidence. “it’s as if you don’t really want to be there, and you can not be like this if you want to connect with the audience”. Of course I want to be there! But again it’s the self doubt thing going on in my head – “what if I crack up? I’m not good enough, I’m really not”.

I know I must have a good voice because she tells me, sure I’m not perfect and need improvement but the potential is there. So anyway my singing tutor suggested that every morning when I wake up, look in front of the mirror and tell yourself that you love yourself and that you are good enough. I was like er no way! But she said it’s important because you need to learn to accept yourself and admire yourself. This will then be reflected when you sing amongst your audiences.

I do like myself, there are many things about myself that I love. I just have a problem with showing the world that.

I guess really, I need to take my tutor’s advice and: “learn to get over myself!” Ha ha!

List

2007-06-14T17:05:00.000+01:00

Good things about moving out and good things about staying at home.

Hmmmmmmmmm the length of each list, kinda tells me something!

Moving out

I can have a glass of wine without worrying about my parent’s approval
I can walk around naked if I feel like it
I won’t get caught up in pointless family arguments
I won’t feel obliged to clean the bathroom every week out of “guilt” for still living at home
I won’t have to worry about coming home late and waking everyone up
I won’t get dragged into cleaning out closet sessions with my mum
I won’t have to worry about my water bottle being taken out of the fridge in the morning
I won’t have to put up with triple bass decks pounding through my wall
I won’t have the disappointment of knowing that when I go home the DH will be there
I won’t have to worry about the DH trying to pick silly pointless arguments with me
I won’t have to listen to that irritating loud voice that grates on me
I won’t have to hide in my room whenever he is around in case he starts an argument
I won’t have to worry about him blocking the door way yelling his head of at 2am because I’m running a “quiet” bath because I stink of disgusting cigarettes after a night out
I won’t have the worry of having to stay at home and take responsibility when parents go away due to the fact that the DH is incapable of shutting a door or closing a window
I can have ebay parcels delivered to my house with my the parents “whinging” at me for spending too much money

Staying at home

I still get to see my cat
It’s a great house, big, spacious, nice garden and full of memories. (24 years)
I love my bedroom – if I could cut the whole thing off and take it to my next house I would
It keeps me young in the head – (still living at home)
I like long chats with dad
Mum’s silly ways
I get my ironing and washing done

WHY?

2007-06-11T12:28:00.000+01:00

Another rant about the idiot brother.

Seriously, there is something loose in his head somewhere. The very few times I stay at home now, I always leave a bottle of water in the fridge. This is so that it is cold for when I go to the gym in the morning.

No word of a lie, he takes the water out of the fridge EVERY sodding time and puts it on the side. WHY? I don’t know! It’s the type of thing a five year old would do, (in fact that is probably being too generous). It’s aggravating that I always have to go back downstairs just before I go to bed to check he hasn’t taken it out.

Last night I was too tired so went straight to bed. Awoke this morning to find he had taken it out of the fridge last night just before he left to stay at this girlfriend’s house. What pleasure does he get from doing this?

Of course I went crazy! Mum and Dad were in the kitchen, and I said “Why, why does he do it?” Dad said: “Oh probably because there was no room in the fridge”. But there was! Because I checked, and if there really wasn’t any room then he could have just shuffled a few things around and put it somewhere else like most NORMAL people. He blatantly does this to annoy me – as expressed to my parents. Guess what? Mum tells me to shut up and dad says I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. Maybe so, but it is a valid point. Clearly, it’s him that starts these silly little arguments. If it wasn’t for him and his pathetic little ways then we wouldn’t be having these conversations. Why can’t my parents see this?

Last weekend was a nightmare. Parents went away AGAIN so the BF and I stayed over. He has a go at us. “Why are you here? You never stay when the parents are not here?” Because dick head you leave your keys in the front door at 2 am – anyone could have walked in. No joke – he walks out of the front door and leaves it wide open – he is incapable of shutting a door! He leaves his windows wide open when he leaves the house. And he has the nerve to call me stupid? It surprises me for someone who cradles his precious decks so much. It’s as if he is inviting someone in to rob the place?

I really want to do something petty to annoy him, like he does to me, merely to make a point. But how can I do that without my parents blaming me for being childish? I know in these situations it’s better to “rise above it”. But really, it’s very hard! The day I move out will be a blessing, it couldn’t happen sooner!

Ulcers

2007-06-06T17:52:00.000+01:00

Don’t you just hate ulcers?
I can’t even move my lip, my chin, my mouth or anything. Every time I talk its there, if I sing its there, it’s painful and it hurts. And I can’t eat salt and vinegar crisps, in fact nothing with salt in! I’m very upset. Why are some people more prone than others?

How am I suppose to sing with an ulcer? I can’t use my mouth to enhance my vocals. Boo F**** Hoo.

Shimmer....

2007-06-06T15:46:00.000+01:00

Not much to say :(

2007-06-04T14:41:00.000+01:00

SO I thought I would post some pics of a crazy night out instead!

Below , me and Spiller, with my mate bird and her "stretch chin".

I don't know what was going on here

href="http://bp2.blogger.com/_RQrIQTj1sKU/RmRQPxQVhtI/AAAAAAAAAKU/ufZOcm6EOc0/s1600-h/summer07.jpg">

What is it with our culture?

2007-05-29T16:42:00.000+01:00

Warning - rant

Obviously the English culture is fading. Religion, immigrants, lazy people, single mothers……. You name it!

The truth is it’s a bit of everything. The English culture will always be recognised in one way or another, whether it is an English rose you identify with, the beautiful country side or even the queen! What’s frustrating is the way people are tucked into their little shells; it’s almost as if they have become frightened of life. People have settled for simplicity. Anything that is cheaper, anything that is easier. Cheaper holiday deals, tabloid junk, food that is junk, constant sales and a world where everyone “hopes” to get something for nothing.

Well it doesn’t and shouldn’t work like that.

Where is community these days? Where is involvement?

No one wants to get involved. And I’m not just talking social events here. I’m talking about the way everyone keeps themselves to themselves.

No one cares to help one another with the simplest of simple things. You drop something in a supermarket, everyone just walks around the object. I wait to be let out in the morning traffic. No word of a lie everyone is sooooooo unbelievably self involved no one stops to let me in.

They are doing 5mph due to slow moving traffic and still no one lets me in! It’s not like it’s going to make you any later for work it literally takes 1 minute to let someone else in!

Out of all the tight people in the world, the one person that helps you out is the one person you least expect.

Everyone seems so comfortable these days in their comfort zones. Maybe it’s just us English! We are ignorant, rude and extremely arrogant. It’s all busy, busy no time to talk, no time to stop kinda thing and the closer you get to London, the worse it gets. The truth is, I hate the English. I hate our culture. Experiencing places like Italy really does make you appreciate how important community is over there.

All my friends these days are too wrapped up in their meaningless lives to consider coming together and doing something meaningful. The thing is we worry about such pointless things, bad relationships, bills bla bla bla when there are people out there far worse? I think it’s an excuse to stop thinking about life. A type of laziness if you like? It’s far easier to barricade yourself with pointless issues than actually consider your life to be a challenge with endless possibilities. It’s what the media are good at too – brain washing. It is an escape from reality. Why do people become so wrapped up in it though? Why can’t we live in the real world and do real things?

Kids are growing up with no logic or sense of reality. Today it’s all about sticking them in front of the latest computer package or watching some new TV series. This is good to an extent and I enjoy the creativity of up coming shows but there is just way too much and it’s a cut off from experiencing real culture. Slang words, junk food, boob jobs it’s a culture we shouldn’t be getting involved in. We need to accept ourselves for who we really are. Girls under 16 getting boob jobs? It’s hideous! The nation is forced to grow up too quickly with no understanding of how to control themselves when it comes to sex or body image. It’s thrown at you, written across bill boards in black and white. And then you have Paris Hilton, and Jessica Simpson as role models – it’s beyond a joke. These people are stupid and selfish with more money than bloody sense!

What are we trying to do to our kids? They are our future!

What about learning a new language? Taking part in sports or activity clubs? Kids are uninspired and it’s our entire fault! Because we don’t put the time or the effort into making this a better place to live. Where do kids hang out now? I see crowds hanging in bus shelters with packets of cigarettes and bottles of cider (and god knows what else). I strongly feel there is a huge lack of encouragement when it comes to motivating youths today, yet we are so quick to complain about the “troubled youths of today”.

I don’t like the world/culture we live in but there is nothing I can do to change it.

Where does time go?

2007-05-26T17:09:00.000+01:00

I had this nightmare at the beginning of the year. It was only January and I awoke sweating because I was sure we were already in May. I thought “how did time go so quickly?” And here we are, May. I wish I could just stop time, just stay 25 that would be fine.

I don’t know if it’s something about getting older, but time really does go quicker, the older you get and there is nothing you can do about it. It’s very depressing. What can we do? Slow down? Take more time to appreciate the small things in life again? Or act like children, they are less inhibited.

Why do adults feel a need to shut down? When I was a kid an hour seemed like a day. A minute seemed like an hour and a week seemed like a month and school holidays went on forever!

I sometimes feel as if time is just passing me by. Why does time have to go so quickly?

Blogging - good or bad?

2007-05-23T19:03:00.000+01:00

Thinking of how things were 50 years ago (even 15) it seems bizarre to think I am writing this blog now. Sharing my thoughts and communicating to a world unknown.

It really is a privilege to know that you can go on line any time you want and share your thoughts with the world. And what a wonderful way to do it. Everytime someone blogs you gain knowledge of who they are, what concerns them and their general expression and attitude towards life. It's amlost like reading a book in an odd way, and you paint your own picture of who you think they are and where they stand in the world. Blogging, is literally reaching out to a completely different community and gaining different perspectives, that can only be healthy? Surely?

Blogging is fantastico, whether it's to:

Let of steam
ask advice
gather opinion
perspective
and sometimes even money! (For those famous journalists!)

Blogging is a cure for the mind. An expression of who you are. A secret diary that people care to read. I feel I know people that blog fairly well, without actually knowing them. Is that bizarre? And often I find myself wondering what these people are like in real life. It’s almost like a little blog community! They key is to get more people involved.

Although blogging is ideal for so many things, does it discourage us from talking to our close neighbours etc? I have tried to come up with negatives and positives for blogging but I just end up with too many positives! My dad would say that is cuts us off from reality, but I really don't think it does. I think it brings us closer?

You are what you feel

2007-05-21T15:19:00.001+01:00

I’m a strong believer in working towards goals and achieving them.

I also believe that you should never congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Aim for a good balance in life, find out who you are and where you stand, but don’t become so wrapped up in your needs that you fail to understand everyone else’s. Instead work on them or you’ll never see the bigger picture in life.

You can travel the world, you can take part in gymnastics and be the world’s best star. But what life boils down to is the way you go about dealing with your achievements and experiences. How do you put them to use? Do you take it in your stride and take satisfaction in those achievements, encouraging others where need be? Or do you become big headed, competitive and unjust?

What makes people, people is simply their attitude towards life. Just because you might have travelled the world for a year it doesn’t suddenly make you “Mr Wise”. I know this from experience. The DH did exactly this and came back double the wanker he was before he left! It really is how you use the experience and how you reflect upon it. What did you see? What did you learn about yourself? How do you interpret different cultures? And how can you apply knowledge to your life now?

Experiences are what make people who they are – the way you deal with experiences (good or bad) stands as a true reflection of the person you are today.

I was watching a programme today on TV. It was about a woman who believed an angel saved her life. She had a bad childhood and believed “money was the way to safety”. So she became incredibly rich and self involved. Travelled the world and owned lots of nice accessories. Things became bad when she started to spend her time taking cocaine. Her addiction got the better of her when it nearly killed her.

Eventually she realised that she needed help. She turned to a higher agency and called upon the almighty to help her. It was then that she had an encounter with a bright blue light that gave her signals and understandings of the person she was. It made her step back and look at her life. This was in fact a Near Death Experience (NDE) after taking too much cocaine one night. She was given a review of her life and shown how she had affected other peoples’ lives. Since then she is a different person, and sees life for what it is “life”. She isn’t so self involved and wants to help other people.

My point – sometimes we just need to step back and revaluate. Slow down and be open so that we ourselves can receive the help and guidance that we all need.
There is an almighty force that guides us and loves us; all we need to do is be open to it. Some people call this God, some people call it Buddha, or some believe in an angelic light that surrounds them.

It’s a question of faith and opening up our soles and letting the light in.

So very deep I know, but there has to be some truth in what I’m saying?

Some of my favourite quotes

2007-05-18T18:09:00.000+01:00

“In youth we learn, in age we understand”

Marie Von Ebner – Eschenbach

“It takes a long time to become a person”

F. Scott Fitzgerald

“Grow up. And that is a terribly hard thing to do. It is much easier to skip and go from childhood to another”

F. Scott Fitzgerald

“Rain does not fall on to one roof alone”

Cameroon Proverb

“No one is happy all his life long”

Euripides

“Gray skies are just clouds passing over”

Duke Ellington

“Laugh at yourself first before anyone else can”

Elsa Maxwell

“Hope ever tells tomorrow will be a better day”

Tibulus

“Growth begins when we learn to accept our weaknesses”

Jean Vanier“

I’m not dead, just floating”

Pink

Family disputes

2007-05-18T11:47:00.001+01:00

Why is it you can chose your friends but you can’t chose your family?

If I was to choose my family I certainly wouldn’t pick the one I have now – with the exception of M&D I would just get rid of the siblings.

So last night we went out for my mum’s birthday dinner. It wasn’t as bad as what I had anticipated. But still annoying little things. Firstly the fact that my sister always turns up twenty minutes late. I mean it’s bad enough the table was booked for 8pm. I seriously can’t stand eating after eight at night, I just feel bloated and fat going to bed on a full stomach. So I ordered something light. What’s up with that?

The thing that bugs me the most is the way the siblings always try to make out that I’m like Gabriella from housewives. Materialistic and shallow. Anyone that knows me knows full well I am anything but. They just can’t bear to face up to the fact that I have a normal level of intelligence and independence. They would rather assume that I’m brain dead and into clothes and makeup. Well balls! Yes! I like to look good. What girl doesn’t? That does not in anyway give people the right to assume I’m silly.
With all this going on I’m thinking hmmmmmmmmm “degree results, degree results”. My dad made the mistake of bringing this up at that table. “So when do you get your results” – trying to rub it in my sisters face AGAIN. I just don’t need it!!

Lucky I changed the subject to politics. The subject of my results was soon forgotten about as boy did that start of a steamy discussion!

Various conversations floated around the dinner table and the DH made some comment about the BF buying a house for me because he seems to think I am incapable of earning my own income. Coming from him????? I threw it back in his face by saying “yes I am sure I will be able to buy a property of my own when I’m a rich and famous journalist…………….. No response. Surprising huh?

Just two small pathetic things I discovered about the sister.

When it came to paying the bill, dad made the decision that he would pay for the DH, me and the BF, due to the fact that we don’t earn much money. Therefore the sister can pay for herself along with her husband, seeing as they are both in full time employment. Well you can guess how she felt about that? Ya huh she was mega pissed off. Dad justified this by expressing that she tries the same trick every time. i.e. – her decision to go out for dinner for mum’s birthday and then doesn’t get her wallet out when it’s time to pay. I can understand this – but the way she sees this is that it’s favouritism.

Apparently during the bank holiday weekend dad had gone over to sort their differences out. And the sister told dad that she was pissed off because dad told me I looked stunning at her wedding. Again this is about attention isn’t it? Bloody hell it’s not my fault he said that? To be honest I didn’t even think I looked that good I was just wearing a casual outfit and anyway I have never had confidence within myself so when dad said that I just thought what? I was utterly shocked. Yes I am thinner than my sister but that is merely because I always have been and I eat less than her. I really do have this feeling that she resents me and she makes it very clear every time I see her. I don’t even like her. If I wasn’t related to her or the DH they are not the kind of people that I would pick as my friends. They do get on with each
other however.

Another thing that really gets my goat is that my parents have gone away today and will be for the duration of the weekend. So guess what? The DH is at home. It REALLY irritates me.

What do I do?

2007-05-15T19:39:00.000+01:00

Basically, I feel under pressure regarding my degree results.

My grades have not been bad this year and all I need is 64% X2 in order to reach the grades I want. My tutor has said this is possible if I reach all the goals they set me, but how do you know for sure? It has all been handed in now. I tired my best and that is all I could do.

However, the grades I feel necessary for my dad’s approval is a different story. Don’t get me wrong he is a wonderful, understanding man. It’s not necessarily him, it’s the siblings. I feel he wants this particular grade more than I do. This is due to the fact that my sister didn’t get the grades she anticipated. I feel he wants me to get the grade she didn’t get to make her feel small. (Basically he is very annoyed with her for various reasons which I won’t go into but I know for one he is fed up with her constant “putting me down”. He is proud of me, like any father should be, and I think what he struggles with is my sister’s inability to see this, merely because she is so wrapped up in her own needs – yet 35 years of age.

I can understand because my sister’s ego is far beyond anyone else’s knowledge. She called me recently, pondering as to whether I had the potential to reach a grade higher than her. Annoying I know. But what can I do if I don’t reach that grade my dad desires for? Of course I want the grade myself, but I just feel that if I don’t get that particular grade my dad wants I will be letting him down. Not only that but letting siblings get the better of me – as if to say “Ha ha you didn’t get a very good mark did you”? It’s ridiculous – but unfortunately the way my family works. I find it so hard to accept because I am in no way competitive. I just accept who I am and get on with it.

On the whole, it’s taken guts to get where I have. If I think back to how I was five years ago I have developed enormously. And I am just proud of myself for getting to where I have today. I almost wish (in an odd kind of way) that I had no family to judge me. I love my parents to bits, but I just wish I didn’t have such immature surroundings who see this as a competition, when really, it isn’t , it’s just a part of my life that is developing.

My question is, how can I make people understand this? Or how do I deal with my emotions if I find out I don’t get the grades my dad hoped for?

To get you in the mooooooooooood!

2007-05-14T18:02:00.000+01:00

Feeling down? Well don’t!

Here are some amazing tunes that will get you in the mood. People! I’m sure you can identify with at least one of these tracks. The kinda track that sends you off into another world and lifts your spirits. Why is music the best way to happiness?

1. Keep on movin - Five
2. Shine - Take that
3. Heya – Outkast
4. Brown eyed girl – Van Morrison
5. Get the party started - Pink
6. Heaven is a place on earth – Belinda Carlisle
7. Shiny happy people – REM
8. Al star – Smash Mouth
9. Let’s get it started – Black Eye Peas
10. MMM Bop – Hanson
11. Cupid – Sam Cooke
12. I can see clearly – Johnny Nash
13. Ooh baby I love you way – Big Mountain
14. Love today - Mika
15. You’ve got a friend – Brand New Heavies
16. Summer of 69 - Bryan Adams
17. Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne
18. Real girl - Mutya
19. You Gotta Be - Desree
20. Lil Star - Kelis

Feel free to add more :)

It's your attitude that counts

2007-05-13T19:20:00.000+01:00

It really is!

I’m reading a book at the moment by Colin Fry. He is a spiritual medium.

OK before you think, “yeah, yeah, boring, boring”. Don’t! Because this book is mostly based on life BEFORE death and human psychology – anyone can read it and it is hugely fascinating how someone else’s perspective can have such a huge affect on someone else’s life.

We don’t spend enough time analysing as a human race but we should as it helps us to develop our earthly lives.

But this book surprisingly is mostly based on positive thinking. It’s actually called “life before death” – it doesn’t focus on death at all. It focuses on how to live your life now and how to make the most of it. Obviously he talks about spiritual encounters but they only add emphasis and meaning to what he is expressing.

The thing I love about this book is that it is all so true. For someone that has such close connections to the spirit world, I have to ask myself – why is it that he is so calm and collective and we aren’t? What does it say about life today?

The interesting thing about the book is that the spirits in which he communicates with are all full of forgiveness, they have no regrets, and deliver messages of love and only love.

Does that spell out to you that life is a test? When do we actually learn to deal with our emotions?

Recently I have been going through a hard time at home. The DH has been double the DH. Constantly putting me down and insulting my intelligence. I don’t understand it? I never criticise him, behind his back, sure I whinge but I never go out of my way to pick an argument.

I conclude it like this.

He quit his full time job to work for my parents and earn a low income when he was earning packets before???? Hmmmmmmmmm easy life?

He stays in on a Friday night and plays with is “dj kit” with his top off in his bedroom whilst his girlfriend is studying to be a doctor up north

He goes to parties that involve taking drugs

He puts people down that are lower than him like dustman or cleaners – why? Someone has to do it?

He doesn’t clean up after himself - my mum has to change his sheets for him because he is too lazy

He is 27 and relies on the parents for everything

I don’t want to talk about myself so I will leave it. But let’s just say I am more mature than him, and have a fairly balanced perspective when it comes to life in general. OH and I hope to move out of home soon……….

Anyway back to my point.

Colin Fry says:

You can’t choose your family but you can choose your friends.

Sooooooooo I’m thinking why? Why am I related to someone who I have absolutely no identity with? Fry suggests, you can’t change circumstances BUT you can change the way in which you deal with it.

Personally I think a lot of it stems from upbringing. I remember having numerous conversations with my counsellor about this. For example, it is not necessarily your fault how someone has behaved towards you, but from now on how you react to that behaviour is. EVERYBODY goes through life moderating their behaviour based on results. Fry suggests they do what works for them in helping them achieve their desired aims. EG: _ if a child is given chocolate every time he cries, he will purposely cry because he knows chocolate will result from it. So back to my point about upbringing – you react to what you have learnt. Hence the reason there is so much rivalry in my family. People often take their weaknesses out on you due to an inner frustration that no one else understands – it’s far deeper than many can imagine and also, it’s easier to take it out on family members.

The idea is not to react to it. But just how do you do that? The problem with me – I’m easily aggravated. Really, we need to disconnect from “negative thinkers”. How do you know when you’re with a negative thinker?

You’ll know when :-

They make you feel unworthy – and make you question yourself. They can also pass on their negative attitude so without realising it, you become one of those critical people. Fry suggests not spending too much time with these types of people because they only bring you down and life is far too short. I find myself illustrating this type of behaviour – due to other family members. Appalling I know. But I have realised. The idea is NOT to react to negative thinkers and people that put you down.

Everyone is the same, whether it’s the person that clears out the sanitary towel bins to the next PM. Or whatever. No one is better than anyone. We are all human and that is that. We still wipe are own arses, pick are noses and fart!!

It’s easy for someone to point out your weaknesses but when they do it constantly – you have to ask yourself – who has the problem here? Is it them or you? For they must be insecure in the first place to pick up on things that don’t have much relevance to you up until that particular point. Because it’s only then that you start to question everything.

The best thing to do is to stay focussed on your strengths, and be aware that there is room for improvement. In other words, don’t let weaknesses take over your life. Doing something positive in life has a huge impact on other peoples’ lives. I feel like a hypocrite because I was born pessimistic.

But positive thinking really does go a long way. It really does!!!!

We can’t stop terrible things happening to us because it’s part of life. It’s how you deal with it that counts.

Hand in day

2007-05-11T13:06:00.000+01:00

So here I am, no longer a student. What an odd feeling!
Today was the final day for all work to be handed in.

After spending hours and hours going through punctuation, grammar, spelling etc it was sooooooooo hard to let go of that work! I kept checking it over and over again to make sure I hadn’t missed something. Last night was awful, every time I read something I spotted another mistake! After printing everything off this morning I thought NO “that’s it just put it in your folder and go go go.”

I dropped it through the box and on my way back to the car had terrifying thoughts, like what if I forgot to check this? Or what if I didn’t put it though the right box. Stupid paranoid little feelings. I am still sure I have forgotten something. I'm looking at all the work on my desktop and thinking "this can not be right".

I guess all I can do now is forget about it and wait for results. I feel so odd, kinda numb that, that’s it now! Five years of education and now what?

I just hope I got it right! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek.

Things I am loving at the moment!

2007-05-08T16:00:00.000+01:00

Leggings
Tunics
Wedges
Long beads and heart chains
My hair
Reading – just found a book called “An angel by my side” by Jacky Newcomb
Angel cards
Singing lessons
Knowing my degree is coming to an end soon
The summer!
Swimming
Hollyoaks
Yellow rice
New song: Gym class heroes – Cupids chokehole - absolutely loving this song!
Realising where my strengths are
Overcoming my weaknesses
Getting one up on the D/H
Girly nights
Having more money
Finding unusual things on ebay
Being 25 and having the world at your feet

Control freak

2007-05-04T15:58:00.000+01:00

My boyfriend, I, my best friend and her boyfriend hang out together a fair bit. We go to gigs and generally have a good time. However my friend’s boyfriend is such a freak at times. A freak to the extent I want to reach out and physically shake him into sense. Love the guy but he is just so weird at times.

I often wondered if he was gay because he has all the attributes of a woman. Such as vanity, tantrums and the most astonishing strops! He is also very camp. Whenever I see him he is like “helloooooooooooooooooooo”. Very gay indeed. Anyway I asked him how he wasn’t gay? He said he wasn’t because he didn’t like cock. Fair enough!

To cut a long story short he is just way too possessive over my friend. Last night we went to his gig. These guys were sitting on the opposite table and asked Michelle if she wanted a drink, and quite rightly she said “yes”. He went ballistic and called her over immediately – “how dare you flirt with those men, how dare you, you’re not coming back to mine tonight you can go home”. Then she disappeared for one minute to meet some more friends of ours downstairs. She receives a text from him: “where are you?”

Jeez! She was gone for a minute. He was in a right strop. She then made the mistake of making a comment about the venue where he was doing his DJ stuff. All she said was “it’s a bit crap here tonight, there is no one here”. His reply: “Don’t you dare come in here and slag this place off how dare you”. Next she receives the silent treatment.

She went straight to the toilets and booed her eyes out. He is vicious and just plain nasty towards her whenever she does ANYTHING that he has no control over.

Other things that irritate me about him include the fact that he has a “best friend” who is female. Sometimes he tells Michelle not to come over and see him because he is “going out with his best mate”. Now if the boot was on the other foot he would go mad! This best mate even stays the night at his house sometimes! Why doesn’t she do the same to him I ask? She simply won’t. I keep telling her to stand up to him and walk out one night but no! I don’t know whether it’s because she is so terrified of the consequences or she is just letting it go over her head. She is naturally very placid and impassive towards most things in life. I’m not saying she is emotionless, far from it! But just a very chilled out person who doesn’t let things get to her.

Another thing that really, really irritated me one night was when I hadn’t seen her for ages and I asked her to come down to my local for a bit of karaoke. All we had ALL night was him texting and calling her time after time and throwing abuse at her until she reached the emotional state of tears. He told her that she was selfish for going out and demanded that she go and pick him up (which by the way is a ten mile drive from where we live) and then he suggested that she bring him back to where we were having karaoke. WTF? This place is local to us, it is literally 5 mins walk from where we live. And he is calling her selfish?

It totally ruined the night. I was sooooooooo annoyed. Why doesn’t she stand up to him? Arrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

My top ten sandwiches!

2007-05-03T12:58:00.000+01:00

Banana and peanut butter (or honey)
Tomato puree and onion
Mozzarella and tomato
Brie and apple
Smoke salmon and creamy cheese
Marmite, cheese and lettuce
Cheese and chutney
Tuna & cucumber (with salad cream and vinegar)
Crisp sandwich with whatever!
Good old fashioned ham and tomato, lettuce and mayonnaise

Who said it wasn’t a sin to kill spiders?

2007-05-02T14:05:00.000+01:00

I had this odd conversation with a friend the other day. We were having one of those conversations about “life” and how we treat other people. She made a comment along the lines of “I treat people how I would want them to treat me, and consider myself a good person, sure I stamp on the odd spider but I’m not a sinner”.

I suddenly thought who said it wasn’t a sin? I mean we stamp on creatures like they are just odd bits of dust. But who is to say they have more purpose than us? (Ok unlikely) But still who’s to say it’s no different from killing a human? Just because there isn’t a law against it doesn’t mean it’s right?

Ok this is probably a ridiculous thought, but a thought that troubled my little head for a short period of time. I hate spiders, literally can’t stand them they give me the creeps, but I feel awful if I kill one. The other day there was a snail outside the front door – I just stepped out and I heard a crunch – I had broken its little home and probably the slug inside. I felt awful for hours!

We have this thing of assuming the smaller the animal, the less they will care but why? It’s like people that run rabbits, cats and badgers over. They just leave them there, or drag them to the side of the road to stop hazards. But if it was a dog it has to get reported. Why? Cats and rabbits are just as important and cats are more intelligent!

YES! People really are crap.

2007-04-29T17:55:00.000+01:00

Especially men! Men are the worst. Men are too simple. All they think about is sex.

What is it with people? My favourite blog of 20 somethings ever! It is just quality. I use to think what she said was not true but now I couldn’t agree more! People really are shit! They are just weird and full of baggage, baggage yes baggage! Everyone has it but why let it hold you back in life?

Can’t come out because I have no money. Can’t come out because I don’t like your girlfriend. Can’t come out because there are no women at your flat and it means I won’t get a shag. Come out because I fancy your bird and it means I can’t flirt with her when you’re around. Can’t come out because I’m tight. Can’t come out because I’m gay. Can’t come out because I’m a dick. Cant come out because I don’t like myself. Can’t come out because I’m too lazy to get of my fat ass and walk. Can’t come out because I would rather sit in and eat. Can’t come out because I’m a freak. Can’t come out because I don’t like her. Can’t come out because I have nothing to wear. Can’t come out because you’re prettier than me.

PEOPLE!!!!!!!! GET OVER YOURSELVES!!! I’M TIRED OF HEARING THESE EXCUSES. So what you’re a dick, so what you're fat? So what you’re a freak! Just come out.

This weekend we had nothing to do! We are lovely people and my boyfriend has a lovely flat with a karaoke machine , food and drink and lots more! He is very hospitable and would do anything for anyone! Why don’t people like us? We are good people!

My friends are ok, but many have stabbed me in the back before. I only have a few close mates. All my boyfriend's mates are too wrapped up in their dull pathetic worlds to even consider coming over to see him anymore. Quite frankly it fucks me off. Why are people this shit?

Heart warming

2007-04-27T15:57:00.000+01:00

I adore this poem. Boy does it carry some truth and statements that we can all relate to and reflect upon. Most of all it gives hope.

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.
Don't be afraid that your life will end,
be afraid that it will never begin.

Another rant about cyclists Arrrghhhhh

2007-04-26T18:14:00.000+01:00

I don’t care if they are getting exercise. I don’t care if it’s a nice sunny day. I don’t care if they have just purchased a new bike and I don’t care if they are practising for a race. GET THEM OFF THE SODDING ROADS – I HATE THEM.

They are such a hazard! They don’t even use the bloody cycle paths! One day I will end up running one of them over. They are just a pain in the arse.

Having to slow down to drive around them
Having to break because they are there
Having to wait whilst they signal right or left
And generally just having to look out for the buggers

Now it’s the summer it’s worse and they are everywhere! The other day there was a hoard of them. And they were in the middle of the fucking road, cycling like they owned it. I was in a rush and had to drive like 5 miles an hour as they VERY inconsiderately pedalled along without moving off to the side. Yes they were in their gear and out for a Sunday cycle but I don’t care! Roads are for cars and CARS ONLY.

As I sit impatiently in my car wondering why the car in front is breaking so hard – there is no car coming? No! It’s a bloody cyclist. It’s not just me that’s waiting , it’s six other cars you are holding up and we are late for work!

Arrrghh get of the roads before I kill you!

Any lucky penny

2007-04-26T11:06:00.000+01:00

I haven’t been blogging as deeply as normal due to the fact my dissertation results were due out this week. I have been dreading them and tried my hardest to avoid looking at the results.

Then yesterday my friends were texting asking what I got. It was like arrghhhhhhhh I don’t want to know!

So I went out and got really drunk to numb the pain of worrying. I found a penny on the floor and clutched onto it all night within the hope I wouldn’t be letting myself in for anything REALLY bad.

Anyway after deciding that I was comfortably intoxicated I plucked up the courage to switch the PC on and look at the dreaded mark………… it was ok! Obviously I had hoped for better, but it will do.

Not attractive....

2007-04-23T17:05:00.000+01:00

I was reading an article on Yahoo today. Basically, singer Lily Allen has condemned Beckham’s obsession with her looks.

Now I don’t like Lily Allen, her attitude is shocking but this I couldn’t agree more with.

Victoria Beckham is one of those people that doesn’t actually have a purpose in the so called “celebrity world” she walks around with hideous pouted lips, a ridiculous hair do and generally just looks like a soup spoon. It’s not sexy to be this skinny. A huge head and a body shaped like a pencil. It’s hideous. How can she not see that? I know she donates money to charity but this doesn’t make her princess, surely? She will do anything to get in the papers and for what reason?

God knows how she stuck with the name “posh spice” as soon as she opens her mouth she sounds like something from the east end. I don’t like this idea that every bag has to go with every outfit? And as for encouraging girls to buy into designer clothes? I always found that sad. It’s almost like saying “well clearly I don’t have a personality so why not make my clothes my personality”.

Designer labels DON’T make a statement. I’m all for quality but when you purchase a bag for over £300.00 or a pair of shoes for £400.00 that just spells D.U.M.B. More money than sense. I don’t think her image is attractive and I don’t think she makes a good role model. There is nothing there other vanity?

Exception to the norm

2007-04-22T17:12:00.000+01:00

I’m as straight as they come. I have no odd fantasies and DO NOT fancy women. Hell I can appreciate some women are attractive.

However there is one exception. Pink. I didn’t realise it until the other day when I ordered her new DVD live at Wembley Arena.

A conversation with the B/F:

“My Pink video has arrived”.

“Are you a bit excited? I’m assuming you have already watched it”.

“Er no! It’s only just arrived this minute, jeez I don’t fancy her that much!”

That seemed to make the B/F laugh…………… It’s not fancy , its just appreciating how damn sexy she is. It’s not obvious sexy though. It’s just unique sexy. I love her style and attitude. I love the way she takes the piss out of what is known as the “norm”. In other words stupid girls. It is incredibly inspiring to have an idol that actually stands up for what she believes in. Mr president.

Gallery>

Mind spiralling out of control

2007-04-18T16:13:00.000+01:00

A lot of you may already think I’m a freak. I suspect some people read this blog and think WTF?

Truth is, I do think strange things, like all the time. I guess they are normal thoughts to a certain extent.

The problem with my mind is that it tends to spiral out of control and too often I can’t find the breaks - hence the reason for the story about death.

I will continue with this story because I enjoy writing it and I do have an imagination that seems to role on for miles. It’s just too often I delve into parts of my mind that are actually quite scary. I’m busy throughout the day, but then I sit down and I think OMG what if this or what if that? Then what? I’m always worrying and dramatising scenes in my head.

I guess some people are just more anxious than others? But my anxiety seems to be extreme. I’m way too obsessive. For example:

Going to the gym everyday
Watching calories
Checking everything is switched of in the house 500 times before I leave it
Constantly cleaning
Constantly organising

Maybe I do these things because I feel my life is out of control? Who knows?

Anyway back to my book – there is a reason for it. I had always planned to write something like this but had just put it off. However, something happened over Easter weekend that gave me the go ahead.

There was a serious car accident. The B/F and I arrived minutes after it happened. We knew it was serious because there were about 5 ambulances at the scene and the road was closed off. I knew someone had died instantly and I have a natural curiosity to find out what happened and how. Don’t ask why, I just do – it’s something I don’t understand myself. I’m not obsessed with death, just fascinated by it and I would love to know what happens when we die, without dying if that makes sense?

Anyway the next day it was in the national – the Sun! How bizarre? And it was in our local paper. A model had died she was only 18. Very sad and very tragic. My first thought is why? Yes I know she was in the wrong place at the wrong time, but why take a child from her parents? How are the parents ever going to live any kind of life? The answer - they wont, they never will. Living with the pain doesn’t bare thinking about. Not only has the girl’s life ended but also the parents and close relations/friends.

Death does make you think. I didn’t even know this girl but I haven’t stopped thinking about it since it happened. If it can affect someone like me then how the hell does it affect the family?

Do I just think too deeply?

I see the flowers on the side of the road and it almost makes me cry. I picture the scene and think “if only the ambulance had got there sooner, or if I had got there as it happened we could have helped in some way”. And then I wonder, what was she thinking as she died? Where was she going? Was she listening to her favourite song? Is her spirit still pondering the earth? There questions, but questions no one can answer.

Ambulance sirens are the worst. Whenever I hear them, I think Mum? Dad? BF? The other day the B/F was late to meet me. I heard sirens. I called his mobile and no answer. There was no point in me sitting around waiting for him to arrive because in my head he had already had an accident. I had pictured the scene and everything.
He was ok obviously but still, these feelings are so hard to deal with.

The other day I was eating an orange, as I peeled of the skin it smelt of really strong acid. I didn’t think anything of it at the time but afterwards I thought “OMG someone has planted anthrax in it and I am going to die”. I absolutely convinced myself of this and started to have a panic attack. Yes I am ok! But again how do I get over this paranoid obsessive behaviour?

More things that annoy me

2007-04-16T19:33:00.000+01:00
Chewing asparagus when it goes all stringy
Biting my lip when eating
People that fail to understand me
When no one replaces the toilet roll
When a really good party comes to an end
Going over drunken conversations in my head
Sunday evenings
Singing a song badly
Not having the energy to work out
Cleaning the bathroom
Discovering there is no wine in the fridge

Mr Brightside

2007-04-16T19:21:00.000+01:00
Below is a song I love. The lyrics tell the best story. His girlfriend cheating on him, and he knows. He is expressing the thoughts going on inside his head. I love the title too! :-

Mr Brightside
By the Killers

I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his-chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, letting me go

And I just can't look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr Brightside

I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his-chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, letting me go

Cause I just can't look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr Brightside

I never...
I never...
I never...
I never...

Just a quick note to say:

2007-04-16T14:47:00.001+01:00
Sorry if my posts have been too deep and morbid recently. I am going through an odd stage at the moment.

I will be back to normality and ranting soon enough!

What it feels like to die: Part 3

2007-04-15T11:47:00.000+01:00

Minutes before my death I was listening to one of my favourite bands, the sun was shining and Dave was relaxed in the passenger seat. The day was beautiful.

I didn’t really get a chance to think about what was going on. I had pulled out of this particular corner many times. Sure it was a nasty corner, but nothing I couldn’t handle. I looked left, I looked right and then left again and so I made my manoeuvre.

But out of nowhere a car suddenly came at me and I tried to break out of fear. Looking back now it would have been wiser to carry on driving. This way my back would have been to the other car involved and I wouldn’t have been forced out and crushed. Because I broke, the other car collided; he was going way too fast and was in the wrong place at the wrong time, as the Lord told me.

Sometimes angels can provoke this. They can stand in the way and protect you, if it’s not your time. I was unfortunate; I didn’t listen to the signals in my head. When you’re in a life threatening situation a signal from earth is sent to the spirit. Once retrieved, your angels are then sent to the scene or place of distress. I didn’t think of this as life threatening because I never believed I would die so a signal was dismissed.

Also, I wasn’t wearing a seatbelt. God had sent me many signs before to warn me about my life chances. I hadn’t listened. At only 18 I said this was unfair, most teenagers didn’t wear their seatbelt anyway? But the lord indeed works in mysterious ways. You have two purposes and quite often this is split 50/50. I was 80/50. This means I had more purpose in heaven than on earth. I still had 10% of my chances left on earth, but I was taking too much for granted.

People of course are different. Some have a lot to learn on earth and others don’t. People that don’t require much understanding of the world can in fact live on in the world. This is what’s called borrowed time. If God doesn’t think the loved ones will deal with their death well then he wont take that person. That person is merely on earth to protect and care for their friends and relations. It’s a complicated process and you learn a great deal in a very small space of time.

As death happens, you’re completely numb. Like any tragic situation, your only concern is what’s happening to your body, will it be over in a minute? And will I survive? The answer? No. My body hit the floor and my spirit flew out immediately. Dave went through the windscreen but still survived.

His face will never be the same and he will have to learn to deal with that in his own way on earth. Sometimes the Lord can test you. It seems evil and twisted but it isn’t and it is something you can only understand once parted from earth. This could be learning to live without an arm, an eye or a leg. That’s not a punishment. It’s testing your ability to cope. In the end you have to cope, but God may feel this is necessary before your time in the spirit.

What it feels like to die: Part 2

2007-04-12T12:47:00.000+01:00

The physical world is in fact a cut off from reality. A test if you like. People do all kinds of crazy things to stay within the parameters of what they class as normality. Their actions are not reflections of their souls but their inability to cope with life on earth.

It’s amazing how the soul can be in two or three places at once. Sometimes four or five and our senses go far beyond any human’s knowledge. Some humans are different, they have what is known as the “extra sense” that allows them to connect with different levels of life and death. Time is not a factor. Time is what keeps humans sane; it works accordingly to their body clock.

God does not condemn those who not believe. There are people that are accepted on to higher levels of planes, those that have accepted death. Others drift in and out until they find a purpose, a sense of belonging. Sometimes you have to think about your life on earth to understand this. You have to absorb your actions and think about the affect you had over people’s lives, which could be anything from a relative to a stranger.

Death is not what you think it is and neither is the human body. The body is merely an instrument provided by god. It carries you around and enables you to learn. You work hard for pleasure, for it to start all over again the next day. I use to ask myself why? Now there is understanding, every action, every smile, every laugh, every wrinkle is recorded.

There was never a need to take photographs.

The minute I died I wanted to come back. Death itself is a tremendous, but sorrowful feeling. Parting with the body is not easy. You think about the ones that love you but not about yourself because you don’t matter anymore, you don’t exist, not on earth anyway. The only way of existence is through those that still carry you in their hearts. If no one loves you then there is simply nothing. Yes love travels for miles, but there is different love. True love is learning how to control it and deal with it.

Love isn’t broken or bruised up here. It’s whole and complete, golden, divine and completely untouched. Mum always believed in angels she described them as being surrounded by different shades of light. It’s mind over matter, colour exists, but colour represents whatever you wish to see or how you identify with particular elements in life. For example green is probably a different colour with every human being and you don’t ever see what they see.

Dreaded weekend

2007-04-11T14:02:00.000+01:00
A little rant

I’m dreading this weekend. Parents are away which basically means I need to stay at home.

To:

A. make sure the cats get fed because the d!ck would leave them to starve

And B. make sure the doors are not left open, because the d!ck has a habit of leaving them open when he leaves the house. You would have thought that with his precious decks he would not want to invite burglars into the house huh?

I HATE it when my parents go away. I just want to move out so I know longer have the worry and responsibility. Mum’s like “well you don’t have to stay here”. But it’s like “ya huh I do”. They don’t get it. I think my dad understands a little better. I hardly got any sleep last night because I just feel so uncomfortable here. Yes, uncomfortable in the home I have lived in for 24 years.

How can any relation make you feel that out of place? Two things recently have really got my goat. I just give up now and think “Please god, let a miracle happen”.

1. The light in the hall way. I always have this on so I can see where I am going in the night when I need the loo (which is fairly often). This does not affect him in any way as he has his door shut. Yet for some reason at 3.30 in the morning (EVERY morning) he slams his bedroom door and wakes the whole house up, goes to the toilet and turns the light off and it really f*cks me off because I have ALWAYS had it on. Why should it change now?

2. He told me mum she was lazy because she didn’t use the dishwasher, even if it’s just for 2 plates! What he really meant is “I am a lazy ass F”ck head who cant be bothered to wash 2 plates up so lets shove them all in the dishwasher, shut the door and hey presto it’s all forgotten about! UNTIL I go to get a sodding fork out of the draw and there are none left! WHY? Because no one has turned the poxy thing on.

What is the point? Why do my parents abide by his pathetic rules when they clearly don’t make sense? He then has a go at me if I wash my plate up!! WHY? It’s what NORMAL people do. Who ARE NOT lazy.

So this weekend looks like I’m in for a real treat! After a shit bank holiday weekend it’s just what I need.

What it feels like to die

2007-04-10T14:35:00.000+01:00

Cold, lonely, immobile. My thoughts and feelings are still with me but my body isn’t.
It’s there, in the front seat of the car, blood stained and haggard. I’ve had it, I’m no longer here. But I can’t admit it. I still feel connected somehow.

I’m trying to talk but there is no physical movement, I’m trying to feel the pain of being thrown across the car but I can’t. There is no running or escaping. I’m utterly trapped.
I watch as the paramedics search my bags for clues.

A passport, or a photo? Perhaps a mobile phone so they can call mum. My hair brush falls out, amongst other personal belongings, that I once held in my hands. Finally, a mobile. I have two messages I can see, one from my lover, and the other my sister. This is so weird, I want to take the mobile phone back and reply to these messages. I still want to be alive.

What a stupid mistake. If I was driving this wouldn’t have happened. Dave is still alive with a few cuts and bruises and I’m labelled as being in a “critical condition” what do they know? I’ve already gone, I’ve left my shell.

Some say the soul travels when you sleep. This is true. Upon dying I saw the many places I travelled to in my sleep. Some dark and murky, some bright where angels deliver messages of delight and comfort. There are places I wouldn’t go back to, but then there are places I would.

Anger, regret, disappointment, guilt? Forget all these negative emotions, they disappear when you die. The only emotion I took with me was love. The people down below have a lot to learn, I guess that is the magic of dying. The pain is that you don’t get a choice and I wasn’t ready.

God told me I wasn’t meant to die. He explained that it’s not always meant to happen. He showed me the list. My number had years left on it. Therefore he accepted the shock I was in and told me to remain on a suitable plane, where I could come to terms with my death.

You don’t do much on the plane, other than float. Sometimes people see you, they can sense you. But it takes a certain type. My family were not open to me. They were too devastated. I can feel their pain, their confusion, most of all their frustrations and the constant wonder of why? If only you could answer the questions. But it’s not up to you. The worst part of their pain is knowing that you caused it. You can rest your hands on their shoulders, and they might feel a flutter for one minute, or a flicker of hope, but nothing too obvious.

I feel like a scummy bum!

2007-04-04T19:19:00.001+01:00
I'm not getting anywhere.

Nothing much happened today. I’m bored and I feel useless. I’m applying for jobs but getting zero response. In a way I don’t care. I have become so use to being stuck in my comfort zone work just scares me.

Not because I’m lazy but because I dread ending up in an office 9-5. I hate sitting on my arse. I like to be on the go. Most of all I hate people. People do my head in. I hate having to answer to someone. How am I going to survive in the real world? I spend most of it in cloud cuckoo land. I like it there. What’s up with that?

Yu huh I need money. I need a quick and easy way of making it before my debts get the better of me and swallow me up into a deep nasty hole. I’m searching, I’m looking, but just miserable. Thing is, what can you do that pays well that doesn’t involve working in an office?? I don’t know my grades yet so I can’t go straight ahead with the journalism thing.

I’ve become depressed by the fact I no longer have money to go out. I’m reliant on family. This is no good. I get the last batch of my student loan 16th April. WHY? I don’t know, it’s pathetic I have as good as finished, makes no sense. So I’m spending the money on singing lessons and paying of my M & S credit card which I’ve worn the fuck out off.

The alcoholic came over today. We didn’t talk about much but it was weird. She makes me feel weird? Uneasy and wary. She is VERY hyperactive and it makes me nervous. It’s not her true nature. It’s actually down to the amount of drugs she takes.

I told her about the story from last fri – when the fit police officer chased me up the road and I tried to ignore him. She laughed hysterically and said “for someone that is quite intelligent I do find it hard to believe you are not blonde”. Ok so I have my dizzy moments? I am a complete air head but people find that odd because my hair is very dark? Okay ………………. Jeez I’m not stupid! Just dopey!

Pleasure

2007-04-03T18:40:00.000+01:00
My new song, freshly written:

Pleasure

I’m a pessimistic, I’m not gonna lie
I’m open to suggestions
But my heads in the sky

I try to be happy
And I try to be carefree
There is just one thing that’s missing
The extra positive in me

A little white lie that hurt my pride
Difficult to answer, difficult to learn, don’t question, don’t yearn, don’t touch or you’ll get burnt

What is pleasure if anything?
How does it bide your time?
Does it level out your thoughts?
Do you remember everything you were taught?

My hands are tied,
I’ve cried and cried
I’m giving up now
I’m not asking how

I can’t help but over analyse, it’s naturally in the blood
Oh won’t ya join me, join me in the flood?
Hear me and save me
Make fun of me but honour me

Understand what its like
To be crazy, to be mad
To flow in between good and bad

What is pleasure if anything?
How does it bide your time?
Does it level out your thoughts?
Do you remember everything you were taught?

Bitch?

2007-04-03T14:57:00.000+01:00

I guess everyone has an old friend. Someone you have known since you were little and grew up with.

Someone you can share silly memories with and laugh with. In a sense they probably know you better than you know yourself.

But I guess this boils down to how much of yourself you give a way.

In terms of the johari window, you are more likely to give yourself a way to the people you trust most in your life.

Anyway. She is another one of those fuck ups in life. Dear me, I seem to know a lot of them don’t I? Basically her parents adopted her at a young age because her natural mother died. She lived up the road from me which is how we met. Ever since I have known her she has ALWAYS been an attention seeker. I never understood why because her parents were wealthy and gave her everything you could possibly imagine. But she didn’t want any of it. I think what she wanted was love. Real love, which perhaps her parents couldn’t provide her with? Whatever it was, something was always missing.

We grew up doing everything together, until one day she moved up north with her current boyfriend (and there have been lots). Unfortunately, up north she was extremely isolated and lonely. Her boyfriend was away working for most of the week which meant she would sit in most days on her own. Now naturally she is very outgoing and a complete extrovert, she is the kind of person that can’t sit still for 1 minute. So being stuck in was very hard for her. But she couldn’t go home because her parents didn’t want her there anymore. This is mostly due to the fact that she has an attitude problem, is extremely aggressive and difficult. Anyway I was the only person that stood by her when all her friends down south rejected her. I went up to see her roughly 4 times. None of her other friends made the effort.

To break the story up. I think she must have ended up cheating on the boyfriend because he threw her out in the end. (She has had many sexual partners and is far from faithful). So she had to move back down south – her parents still didn’t want her at the house so suggested she got a job in the local pub and rented one of the rooms, which she did. Since that day she has completely rejected me. She stopped calling me, speaking to me the lot! I tried to remain friends with her but she was too interested in her friends at the pub. I feel so betrayed and still very angry. I did express this to her but again she didn’t seem to care much.

I know she is messed up, but this is no reason to forget how I stood by her all those years. She always said I was like an older sister to her – how can you just block someone out of your life like that?

I saw her last night at karaoke – I said “sorry I didn’t make your birthday I will get you’re a drink later” Inside thought: (why should I anyway when you ignore me). She was like “yeah that’s cool”. Later on she comes up to me (because I hadn’t got her drink yet due to the fact I’m broke still and in debt) and says “I just want to know when you’re going to buy me my drink”.

Er F*** off Bitch! The bloody nerve!

Nightmare day

2007-03-30T21:16:00.000+01:00

So here I am stuck in on a sodding Friday night.

I was meant to go out but the people that I had prior engagements with kinda let me down.

Then I got depressed and just didn’t feel like going out .

Here is why:

First of all I have a cold which seems to have escalated to my chest.

Second - I am at the cross roads this morning and a police officer spots me in his car. I had a feeling he would notice me, I don’t know why but I just did.

Anyway I turn out of the road hoping that he won’t notice me but wrong.
He drives up my arse, flashing his lights.
This has never happened to me before it was quite exciting but kinda like “fuck off and leave me alone at the same time”.

So anyway I ignored it!
Yes! I just carried on driving hoping he would go away, but er no, he didn’t!

So I pull over at the gas station and he gets out of his car.

I open the door , irritated and I’m like WHAT?

He reads me my rights – I was like “Jesus he thinks I have killed someone”. But then says “you were not wearing a seat belt I must issue you with a warning”

I was like “phew”. Still a £30.00 fine which I am not happy with.
It helped he was quite fit and very apologetic but still not the point!

THEN I am late for my hair appointment , which by the way was nasty and cheap and crap and they completely over charged me for what it was. To make things worse they didn’t have a card machine so I had to run three blocks to the cash point. Arghhhhhhhhhhhh – so much for trying out a new salon –what kind of salon doesn’t have a card machine?

Next I get in the car and my bloody mirror falls off and won’t stick back on which is obviously dangerous because I can’t see what is behind me.

Then endless depressive text messages.

I was so depressed I didn’t get any work done which made me feel like a total spanner, not to mention low life loser.

By the end of the day I felt like hanging myself, but it's ok , I’ve decided to go on anti depressant drugs…………………..

ANYWAY – some of you know I write songs? Well I have taken up singing lessons. I can kinda sing anyway but I need to learn how to control my voice with certain notes etc. The idea is that I can then sell myself to a band. It is my dream. Nothing would give me more pleasure than to write songs, have them put to music and then have the even bigger pleasure of singing them.

Fav artists include Pink and Avril, so ideally a style like such would suit me best.

Anyway I wrote this song today – it’s a bit long and deep but justifies the way I am feeling at present.

Numb

If there was one thing in the world I could wish for
It would be to replenish my every move
And the time I’ve dearly wasted on feeling the way I do when it comes to you and your twisted ways, I’ve counted all the days
And now I’m pleased to say

I’m better than you
And I always have been
I’m resilient and determined
And you remain deceptive and uncertain

Like much of your life, it’s just a joke
Another one of your bright ideas to make me choke
I used to feel so affected, involved and disrespected
But Since I’ve become numb
My world is opening up
I’ve dusted off the ashes and returned to humanity where I’m no longer insane ,
No longer covered in fickle bruises and blame

It was always your dream to keep me from serene
But I outgrew your bitterness and adjusted the vindictiveness
It left you sore, angry, but most of all insecure
And now you’ve closed every door
You leave me no choice but to laugh in your face as I rest my weary case

I used to feel affected by your pathetic ways
My head, it was a daze
But since I’ve become numb
My world is opening up
I’ve dusted off the ashes now all I have to do is flutter my beautiful lashes

I’m accomplished , I’m free
Much more than you’ll ever be!
And you? You remain lenient on those that care, tripled by the dare
But not forever as you will discover

Such a nasty shade of green
Jealous, vindictive and mean

Your insides , they’re demolished from a life that’s been so proudly polished
Wasteless necessities and endless discrepancies
Doesn’t take a genius to work it out - Sponging, lazy lout

So continue, put me down
Don’t batter an eyelid or raise another frown
Because all you see is me wearing the crown
I’m gifted, in fact I am a virtue and your nothing except another head screw, that I carefully defused
Now the pieces don’t fit
All because I kept my grip
What can I say? Welcome to a brand new day